Miracle people

I have been thinking about my future lately

As if i didn't for the last 3 years of my life

I won't even say the stupid "life choices"

I have to make, even if i'm not sure

Of anything at all, cuz i'm too young

It's 2 am, and i am scrolling down 

My university choices i can attend

I will be choosing in 9 months

But i do have a clude though

I want astronomy,

Maybe Spacephisics,

Or renewable energy engineering,

What if, Just classical phisics,

I am loosing my mind

I dont even know if i can learn

That stuff...

It sounds cool, yeah

When i read Stephen Hawking or Carlo Rovelli

Phisics and how life works

I am mesmerized

But do i really fit in this field?

Even if i study this stuff

After i finish and get a job

Will i get enough money?

Is it an international study?

Where will i study anyways?

Will my points be enough to attend?

How am i gonna get through all the exams?

A million questions

I am both lazy to write and think actually

It is summertime right?

I should relax

No. Nope. You know me!

I kinda like this part of myself though!

I never give up, i am stubborn.

I think and think.

Do i get exhausted though?

Yes. Yepp. You know me.

But i rest, and study or think again!

However, i got exhausted by trying to think

What to choose for studying at the university 

I got uninspired...i felt like... i am normal

I am not smart enough to choose phisics or science..

Then i checked youtube.. 

Algorithm never gives up, i saw an interview 

It was Richard Feynman.

He said "there is no miracle people, it just happens they got interested in this thing and they learned all this stuff...they're just people..there's no talent, special ability to understand quantum mechanics or a miracle abilitiy to imagine electrimagnetic fields.."

I don't really know if i agree with him

But damn, he is good at inspiring normal people

I think his point is that there are no miracle people

There are "normal people" who are lazy and won't learn

And there are "miracle people" who get their ass up and work hard

The thing is, that normal people call people who get their ass up and work as if they are not tired as miracle people

But it is not true

Everyone can be miraculous

Although, i do not agree with him at one point

He has a higher IQ, and it makes him a faster learner

So he is smarter, or faster to learn and do calculations

Anyways, this speech he gave inspired me

And i got an idea on my mind

SO;

There are infinite possibilities 

For an electron in an atom

To exist..the location and the time

If we would know exactly when and where

An electron would be at a specific time

We could predict its future

But we can't do it

Because it is quantum mechanics

So tiny, that our detectors are not enough

To detect an electron that is super fast

So we named the electrons position

As "A superposition"

It changes places around the core so fast

For a human being to understand

That it is almost in several positions at the same time

Which is actually impossible but the time between changes is very near 0 that we call it 0

We simplify it's phisics

That's what we do all the time at high school too

But sometimes i think

What if we could detect the electrons

Where time moves slower

But guess what?

Time moves slower

Where there is no matter 

When there is matter and

Therefore gravitational force

Time moves faster

I don't really know where i am going

With this conversation with myself

But now you understand why i can't choose

Because i don't know precisely

What is gonna happen in the future

Where i can't controll my grades

I can't controll my heart, my brain or my health

I think i can control choosing

But i can't do that either

Even if i choose phisics to study as my first choice

If my grades are not enough

My second choice will be choosen

Or the third

I am anxious

Because i dont have any controll

But it looks like i do

And it feels like not just the people

But life itself is two-faced

And i am afraid now that i've grown

i see both of the faces

I am not sure of anything

When there is a fifty/fifty chance

For so many things in life...

Like electrons place in an atom..

Or a babies gender,

Or Schrödinger's cat..

Acting

Do you know what i've recognized?

I like looking at the world with others' point of view..

Maybe I should write some lyrics about that...

Looking at the world

Thinking about millions of people

Every one of them has a different life

I feel so tiny in this mess

Not always..but sometimes

Especially when i am in a crowd

If you ask me where i feel the most alone

I feel most alone in a crowd of people

Where there are people maybe i have seen or maybe not

I know almost nothing about them

It makes me feel tiny, insignificant and insecure..

I never tell this to people though...

People who think they know me think i am confident

In their pov. I am confident, brave, determined, hard-worker, sarcastic and so on...

They don't actually know me

Because i don't really show who i am

But who am i if i show them the other me?

The one who is always afraid, anxious with zero confidence...

It would be lame to show the vulnerable person in me...

People can use it against me

In this concrete jungle 

I have to survive somehow

That is why i "act" as if i am confident

But actually i don't have a clue about

What i am doing in the moment...

Sometimes people judge me

They say "don't be so confident! you don't know everything! you can't solve everything!"

Yeah they say, but they don't know 

I am a good actor

I act as if i am a character from a movie

*She has confidence..she can do anything*

But actually i don't think like that

I think i am nothing

I think i am a loser

I think also that i sometimes get too swept away with the acting that i actually become that person

But no

I want to find the balance

Litteraly 

My motto is 

"If you want something to be done, first believe that its possible, second act like you are a 100% sure and then stand up!"

I do this every day

From the morning when i don't wanna wake up...

Untill the night when i can't fall asleep...

I say "yeah, it will be a good day cuz i say so!" Or i say "heheee, sleeep...my old enemy! I hate that i need you but you're sweet..yeah so let me sleep a little bit...ZzzzZzz"

If you are not confident, who is?

How do leaders lead their team?

How does people make desicions?

I do it with acting...and i guess everyone got a little actress in their hearts...