Dead end?

Sometimes certain behaviors of my father

Makes me sad and worried

Sometimes he can't see the actual problem

Or even if he does, he won't care

Or maybe he experienced the same thing with his father

He sees himself in me and

He knows that it is not worth the effort to talk to me

To explain why I am wrong and he is right

I just want him to logically explain why he is right

Instead i hear "Okay, I'm tired. You are right, yeah, you are right. 

Can we close this conversation?"

This would make me mad before but

Now it only makes me sad

I can explain what happened this evening as an example

I think that they are taking too much care of my brother

While I do my own stuff all by myself

I did not say this because I want them to help me too

I just want them to let my brother be more independent 

This morning, my brother couldn't wake up (again) 

My dad doesn't know that I at least two times a week wake him up though

This morning, I couldn't wake up myself

So my dad did my job

My brother woke up because of my dad

While my dad did not wake me up, and I am glad he did not!

I learned my lesson, and I will wake up next time... 

or go to sleep earlier etc. etc...

But my brother won't learn these lessons now

And I am most certainly afraid he will

After in his life

In the evening I said, to my father "you should let him be, 

let him learn how to manage his sleep"

But my father said "should I let him be late for school?

This is idiotic, I can't just let him be!!!"...

"He doesn't do this often anyways." He said.

"He wakes up all by himself. Normally..."

I said "but he won't learn untill he makes a mistake!!"

He said "I am just helping him! This is necessary, 

just close the conversation already, 

I am getting pissed again!!!"

A new emotion in me appeared

I felt pity for my father.

I actually didn't feel this for my father before.

I just got sad

He said "you are exaggerating this situation. 

This is not a crisis."

He was right, it was not a crisis.

He was right, he CAN NOT let my brother sleep, 

because he is my brothers dad and

It would be cruel and careless of him 

If he wouldn't wake my brother up

My brother would think that my dad is a careless man

Even I CANNOT LET MY BROTHER SLEEP

And if my dad would talk to my brother about this

They would argue

They would fight very VERY loudly (happened)

So that explains why my dad 

began shouting to me this evening

He's got angry issues

My brother got it too

I thought that I had it too

But actually years changed me

Now I am calm when my father is very angry

I can talk calmly, and this makes him even angrier,

He starts jumping around, shouting loudly 

And then throwing random shit to the ground

It was a headset one time, or his phone

Maybe just a pen or a glass on the table

He was always like this, but he is better now

I remember that we was angrier ten years ago

Anyways, I guess he knows what he is doing

He is living his own damn life, with anger issues

I am STARTING to draw my red flags and

Starting to want a calm life with no anger issues...

I like discussing topics but this!

I do not accept this in my life, NOPE!!

He doesn't respect me or my thoughts

It is not like this all the time though

More often when he is hungry and tired

(He is hungry because he has to get this job done before eating,

or he has to do this job before letting himself relax)

Sometimes he is totally in a normal mood, 

but doesn't like my thoughts when I talk

Then he won't respect my thoughts again

He just says "no, you are wrong,

And I don't want to talk about this. Just stop."

I really don't know what is bothering him

It's obvious that there are taboos in our house

Some things that we don't talk about

Like when my mom is afraid to make him angry

So she stays quiet instead of telling her thoughts about a topic

But I understand it, and say it out loud

Then she looks at me with worried eyes

Her eyes say 'shhhh stay quiet"

And probably my dad gets mad at both of us

I don't want those taboos

I want communication

Because good communication leads to good conversations

Good conversations leads to good connections

And good connections lead to a better bonding

But if he won't listen about 

What is bothering me or my mom

Without getting angry

Then surely my mom will smoke

She will stay silent and smoke 

untill she feels her lungs hurt

Then surely I will answer calmly

And ask him "why?....."

And he will not be able to escape it

And respond with a "stop talking, or I can get angry"

He is smart and funny, he is very wise

But sometimes...

I feel like I don't even know him

We don't really communicate 

About the topics that matter the most

Let it be like this then

I will be leaving next year anyways

Then he will see that he has to wake my brother up

Almost every day

Because I already helped him every week

Just like him

I am just like him

He will understand this

But later

Now I just need to wait

For him, I will understand him

When I get a child

I totally agree with him though

I will understand him, I do understand now too

It is not easy ta have a rebel daughter

I love empathy

But he

He has a lack of empathy for me

Maybe it is hard for him to be empathetic 

Again, I don't really know because

He doesn't want to communicate...

This all feels like a dead end....