First

I lost myself

Laughing and laughing

then drinking and drinking

It was like all my problems were solved

Then

I did some things 

In my mind, I was saying

I will regret this, I WILL regret this

But my body was just acting

Telling things I would NEVER EVER tell

Afterwards

I lost myself even more

Tried to hug her?!

Obviously I was not myself

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING

That was what I was saying to myself

While she pushed me away 

Now

I can't sleep

Its 4 am

I tried to sleep

I can't stop the voice in my head

I regret this and regret that, why did I say that??

I dont even know who i am anymore

I am so bored of everything that is deciding who I am for me

Who I have to be!

I am not a nerd just because I like math and physics

I am not a weirdo just because I am passionate

I am not an alien just because I got other beliefs

I maybe do things differently

Maybe I don't understand what you mean

Maybe I am a problem

Maybe I am the problem

You know what

I know

It would be so much better without me

for everyone!

No one would even know

No one would ever sense it

Without the weirdo in the class

It would be so much easier for everyone

I wish, I wish, I never was 

I never was born 

I never chose this life

It chose me, and IDFK why!!

I am not who I am or maybe who I thought I was, was never me

Will I ever be myself? 

Will I ever find myself?

I feel all alone sometimes

Actually

Not just sometimes

It's an everyday thing

I am just so used to it now

I don't ever feel like I belong anywhere

I'm a total bilingual, third culture mess

I just for once didn't want to go against the stream

I wanted to be included as a member of a tiny society

But I fucked it up with my messed up mind

Tomorrow

Maybe everyone will act as if nothing has happened

I don't know...I really have no idea

I don't know what I wanna believe either

I just wanna stay in my bed and never go outside

How can I be so stupid??

How did I lose control so fast?

Did i just want to do this or was it the drink?

There are so many questions 

Dancing and kicking in my head

They are irritading

And only thing that will help is

sleep

so now

sleep, sleep, sleep

Then tomorrow

you'll regret every single thing you wrote here

but don't delete them

because you know it is golden worth