Working dead

I am okay

I am alright

Everything is gonna be okay

No one but me says this

All the time

Everyone else around me says otherwise

They tell me what to do

So that I will be happy

But I am already happy

If you just let me be

I will be happier

I understand that these times are tough for you

You've been with me for 20 years

But now it's time for me to fly away

Like birds that are parting their way

We will always meet again at the end

We will fly in different directions

But I will always see that I already have you

I've got a part of you, in me

Just being myself, in my natural form

I am just like you but in a different way

I look at your pictures from the past

I see my ghost in you

I got my crazy soul from you

Not just that 

My music taste, my helpfulness

My hard-worker brain

My flirtatious heart

Only my nostalgic mind is new

You both are not that nostalgic

Actually, no one I met likes to talk about the past as much as I do

That must be unique, but I kinda feel like it's a burden to me now

I wanna let the past stay in the past these days

Make new memories and move on 

But I guess that's not who I am

The last time I wrote I was so angry 

I wrote about my parents 

Then I wrote about my job

A person who I'm working with made me so mad

I started to laugh out loud

And gosh I couldn't stop

So she got madder

And I laughed harder

I had tears in my eyes

I knew it was my coping mechanism

But It was not the time to laugh right there 

I guess I just needed to have a way to show that anger

That's why

The other thing I crave is somewhere I can totally be myself

And for that, I made a drawing book

I totally sewed it and cut it

I actually made a little notebook-ish drawing book

I called it "suppressed emotions and more"

There I got my deepest secrets

Things I wanna say but can't sometimes

I got my anger in it

I got my depression

My introverted self

My dark self that I try not to show people

My negative side

Someone no one wants in their life

That's why I won't show that book to anyone

Almost no one

Maybe some people who are very near me

might see it

But not my normal friends

I am too weak in that book

too vulnerable

I don't wanna worry people

Just wanna be MYSELF

I guess that works :)

Why so negative

I just want your love and comfort

But the only thing you tell me is 

It will get worse tomorrow

You are okay now but you will get worse

I look at her eyes, and gosh. 

She doesn't even understand me.

I was just happy for a moment, 

Then I asked him if it was okay

He said no.

What if.... he said and then what if.. this and that, 

THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND-

NeGative, negaTive, negatiVe, NegativE, NEGATIVE!!!!

Loking at my ceiling

Why am I not happy

Why do I have to pretend

What happened today

I laughed but I was angry

I laughed my guts out

Out loud as hell

What was that

What's happening to me

Am I a puppet

Was I?

Did I make a scene 

Or was I myself there

Am I myself here?

What if.. THIS AND THAT AND-

Positive, positive, positive,positive, POSITIVE!!!

Maybe not all NEGATIVE all the time?

no.

U R NAIVE.

No, I am not

Yes U R and U don't even know the world

NO I do know

NO U think U know but the only thing U should know is that U know nothing!

....

....

...

..

.

But I know one thing...

what..?

If I am not a robot here, laying 

It is because I can feel...

Even if I feel bad

Terrible

Disgusting

Whatever

Like nothing

You CANT make me loose hope

I feel hope and I hope it will find me

Maybe the only one I need love and comfort from

Is myself?