I'm Tangled

I know that holidays are for having a little break. 

RIGHT?

You should have a break from life... 

or at least get a rest or something.

NOPE, not ME!

I am destined to be bothered.

Not that I don't like to be bothered

I like to be bothered, to be honest.

I love that my friends call me, or ask me if I wanna hang out.

I love that my loved ones wanna spend time with me.

I especially love the time I spend with my special one...

BUT;

My body is tired.

My brain is tired.

My physical health is weird.

My mental health is weirder.

I just can't handle "everything", 

all at the same time.

Let me explain what "everything" means

It means; 

Even if someone dies or is injured at work,

I will work, so I have to be prepared to be there and be strong.

Even if I am in a whole different state in my life,

I will get at least a message from a friend, so I have to answer it nicely and be aware of the state of life that person is in right now.

Even if there are children in Turkey waiting for a new home after the earthquake.

I will see my friends, so I will smile and have fun.

Even if I told them what is going on in my brain would make my parents go crazy,

I will talk to my parents, so I have to pretend I am okay and don't make them worry about me.

Even if my teachers say it is a holiday and we must get a little break from school,

I will do homework until I fall asleep and try to learn new things all the time.

Even if my old friend from Turkey won't remember me or care about me anymore,

I will think for at least one minute about her and grieve because I miss her and our good times.

Even if I know my grandmother doesn't remember the things I say after every video chat,

I will talk to her with a smile on my mouth, and cry silently in my bed after that.

Even if I will get tired and use some money that I would choose not to use normally,

I will buy things and drive with my friends because I love them.

Even if it will make me sadder and angrier,

I will think about Turkey and the worldwide political situation.

Even if it will hurt me,

I will think.

Even if...i will not think,

I will hurt me. 

Now you know, 

What i think 

ALL THE TIME

No kidding

No lying

I think others,

I think others,

I think others,

I think me,

I think I need time,

But I don't have enough.

I will never have enough time.

I think I need to be understood,

I need people who understand me.

I think maybe I need to spend time with people who understand me,

Instead of spending time with people who always talk about their problems.

Your problems are my problems,

YES, I am smart and can solve your problems.

You discovered it, Bravo!

But I am not a doll,

I am not a robot,

I am human,

I breathe, 

I live,

I see,

I understand. 

I am not a problem-solving machine.

I wish you did not need to ask me to solve them,

I wish you would ask me how I solved them,

so that you wouldn't need me anymore,

so that you would solve them,

so that;

I would be a human

I would breathe

I would live

I would see

I would understand

myself.

I would solve my problems.

It would solve my problems.

You would set me free,

From this madness,

From this tangle.