My problem with a scented candle

I love scented candles

They smell so delightful

They are aesthetic and

Reminds me of fall

My problem with my scented candles are 

That I almost never light them up

I never want them to get burned or vanish

I want them to stay as they are

While they are not supposed to just stay

And wait there on a corner and gather dust

I only watch the candle and dream 

How it would be to light it up

Dreaming instead of experiencing the light

Waiting and looking at the candle just

because I am afraid to lose the scent

Isn't this what life without purpose is?

Some of our lives are a scented candle

We are AFRAID to light it up

We are waiting for NOTHING

We think we care about the candle

But the only thing we do is to be selfish

The candle's purpose is to light up

To give some sweet scent to the whole room

To provide some joy and show shadows

And at last, quit to light up...

So let it light up the room!

Let it show you the shadows!

Live your life to the fullest!

So that it can quit lighting

with a clear conscience!

So that you can rest in peace...

Two flavours collided

Some days ago

Two flavours collided

The first one was someone you know

She was like dark chocolate

Looked attractive, and some wanted to taste her

But she was actually bittersweet

She smiled with sweetness 

but had that bitter taste 

It was a part of her

Something that made her herself

Everyone liked her but

No one wanted her too much

The second one was someone you didn't know

He was like white caramel chocolate

Looked cool and cold from the outside

You were skeptical about talking to him

But he was sweet and soft on the inside

He smiled little

But it had a sweet taste

It was a part of him

Something that made him himself

Many people liked him

But he didn't talk too much

When they collided

There was a sweet taste

Opposite flavors that

got along well

It surprised her

Maybe him too

They didn't know what was going on

They melted

They mixed

They froze

The taste was different

Some kind of milky bitter chocolate with caramel

She liked it

Maybe him too

Nothing was certain

She was hasty

He was patient

She learned from him

Maybe he learned from her too

Both had a chemistry 

But nothing was certain

Nostalgia is like dark chocolate

It's 2 am and I am crying

It is not sad or something 

It's actually my routine

I cry sometimes when I can't sleep 

I listen to some songs and close my eyes

Nostalgic songs take me to the places I've been to

or they make me feel like I'm still 9 or 14...

When life was not difficult or complicated

But I didn't know...

Maybe Life will only get more complicated every year

Gosh, what am I gonna do?

Maybe I should just live

For some time

I don't really think I lived

I was just like a stuck cassette

Playing the same part of the song

I actually tried to live this year

I didn't listen to many of the songs that made me nostalgic

I found many new ones

But I see now that those songs I've listened to

They also remind me of myself, 10 months ago

I am okay with listening to nostalgic songs now

Before they always made me cry, but now I feel bittersweet

It's like dark chocolate, I like it

I would like some, but I would throw up

If I would have too much

Nostalgic songs are just like dark chocolate

I am listening to "Bored" by Billie Eilish

I would listen to this when I was 16...

I didn't know Billie until 2020, I was 15 back then

I wish I could go back to me in 2020

I would say "Everything will be okay, and you are beautiful!"

But I wouldn't listen actually, even if people said it

Was just blinded by social media and the girls at my school

Hopefully, not anymore, not after I turned 18

Weird age 18...

Now I am listening to "Symphony" by Zarra Larsson

This song takes me back to when I was 12, my adolescence 

I was depressed, cuz we moved from Ankara to Samsun 

I left my life, friends, and school behind

It felt as if the world was ending back then

But actually, come changes are not that bad

I didn't know this, and no one understood me 

NO ONE INFORMED ME, or NO ONE TALKED TO ME

Everyone said, "Oh she is 12, a rough age, just let her be!"

I wish, I just wish that someone would talk to me...

Anyways, that's why I talked to Walnut

My imaginary friend

He was actually a walnut tree in front of our new home in Samsun

He understood me, and was there when I needed company

I kinda knew he was not real, but it felt like he was there

He is still there, but I don't really need him anymore..

(I was always there for myself)

Now I am listening to "Hey Brother" by Avicii

This one is a VERY nostalgic one

It reminds me of my age between 8 to 10 

I would listen to it in the car when Dad drove 

From Ankara to Samsun 

(Samsun is where almost ALL my relatives lived)

We would travel in the Summer

I loved those travels

I had a Samsung iPad and I had 10 songs on it

One of them was this one...

It's 3 am now

Gotta sleep now

I don't think I want to

But I will try to

I know that I can sleep 

If I put my head down on my pillow

I kinda resist sleeping

The silence, and that I can do whatever I want

I wanna live it a little bit more

Or it feels like I am extending the day you know?

I don't want it to be the next day LoL

I can not stop time so

I can not stop change so

Yeah, yeah...good night to me...

Expectations

Sometimes I feel like I am good at nothing

I am not good enough to apply to a study I like

Or I am not good enough to be an engineer

My father expects me to be an engineer

My mom still wants me to be a doctor

Honestly the only thing I want is time...

But my dad thinks IT IS IDIOTIC TO TAKE A YEAR OFF

I know that I will be a burden to them if I stay, because they want to move to the first floor of our house and rent our current house at the second floor to others, so that they can earn some money.

Honestly I don't even wanna stay 

I wanna study and then get a job

I want to live in south france

I want to work there, thats why 

My dad wants me to be a

Marine Engineer

But I am just so skeptical to it

It doesn't even make me happy

Thinking about, me working by a ship

Although I love them...

I just had this dream that

I would be an astronom and stuff...

But I guess it is just a dream afterall

I don't think being an astronom is what I think it is

I like being helpful to people

I like math 

I like calculations and logic

Why not Ships?

I would travel the world, I mean

This is kind of a dream ✨️

🎵

Maybe I should try harder

You should lower your expectations

I am no way no genius

I was never a harmonie Granger

Teach me how to be okay
I don't wanna downplay my emotions

I wanna be okay...

I wanna be okay....