Nostalgia is like dark chocolate

It's 2 am and I am crying

It is not sad or something 

It's actually my routine

I cry sometimes when I can't sleep 

I listen to some songs and close my eyes

Nostalgic songs take me to the places I've been to

or they make me feel like I'm still 9 or 14...

When life was not difficult or complicated

But I didn't know...

Maybe Life will only get more complicated every year

Gosh, what am I gonna do?

Maybe I should just live

For some time

I don't really think I lived

I was just like a stuck cassette

Playing the same part of the song

I actually tried to live this year

I didn't listen to many of the songs that made me nostalgic

I found many new ones

But I see now that those songs I've listened to

They also remind me of myself, 10 months ago

I am okay with listening to nostalgic songs now

Before they always made me cry, but now I feel bittersweet

It's like dark chocolate, I like it

I would like some, but I would throw up

If I would have too much

Nostalgic songs are just like dark chocolate

I am listening to "Bored" by Billie Eilish

I would listen to this when I was 16...

I didn't know Billie until 2020, I was 15 back then

I wish I could go back to me in 2020

I would say "Everything will be okay, and you are beautiful!"

But I wouldn't listen actually, even if people said it

Was just blinded by social media and the girls at my school

Hopefully, not anymore, not after I turned 18

Weird age 18...

Now I am listening to "Symphony" by Zarra Larsson

This song takes me back to when I was 12, my adolescence 

I was depressed, cuz we moved from Ankara to Samsun 

I left my life, friends, and school behind

It felt as if the world was ending back then

But actually, come changes are not that bad

I didn't know this, and no one understood me 

NO ONE INFORMED ME, or NO ONE TALKED TO ME

Everyone said, "Oh she is 12, a rough age, just let her be!"

I wish, I just wish that someone would talk to me...

Anyways, that's why I talked to Walnut

My imaginary friend

He was actually a walnut tree in front of our new home in Samsun

He understood me, and was there when I needed company

I kinda knew he was not real, but it felt like he was there

He is still there, but I don't really need him anymore..

(I was always there for myself)

Now I am listening to "Hey Brother" by Avicii

This one is a VERY nostalgic one

It reminds me of my age between 8 to 10 

I would listen to it in the car when Dad drove 

From Ankara to Samsun 

(Samsun is where almost ALL my relatives lived)

We would travel in the Summer

I loved those travels

I had a Samsung iPad and I had 10 songs on it

One of them was this one...

It's 3 am now

Gotta sleep now

I don't think I want to

But I will try to

I know that I can sleep 

If I put my head down on my pillow

I kinda resist sleeping

The silence, and that I can do whatever I want

I wanna live it a little bit more

Or it feels like I am extending the day you know?

I don't want it to be the next day LoL

I can not stop time so

I can not stop change so

Yeah, yeah...good night to me...