I miss something that I don't know

I just called my mom

and heard about that my grandad is sick

He can't walk anymore

He couldn't hear properly for a while

But since I moved from Turkey to Norway

He got worse

It's just very sad that I will never know who he was

What songs he liked if he even listened to music

He is 90 years old

I may never know

what he liked to wear

what kind of food he just loved to eat

I may never hear it from him 

I will never know how his childhood was

what kind of dreams he had for his future

How he was as a child

Why he was so hard on his children

And why he never let go of my mom

Why he chose to be a police officer

I will never hear about his university memories

I may never hug him ever again

I don't really feel anything because I wasn't very near him

We did live near them but I was just a rebel teen at the time

I wouldn't listen to my mom who would want me to go visit them

I do OF COURSE regret but I was just a teen

Now I may never see him alive again 

I feel terrible

have been crying for an hour

But I don't even know if seeing him would change anything

I have a new different life here

And they are like,... it's as if the time stopped there...

They are the older generation

I can't understand them and neither can they

But I love them 

If I am a little bit smart

It is because of him and my dad

Both of them are smart men

I really don't know what I'm feeling

It's like losing something you could've had

But if it was never yours, what's the point of being blue?

I don't know

I guess my heart is rather blue

than red...