Wednesday, August 7, 2024

I've come to realize something

I really don't know what love is

'Cause all my life I've been

in love with the tiniest things 


Like a little girl's sweet smile

like a boy's generosity

like a lady's help for an old women

and the old women's smile back at her


like a bird singing like she is in a choir

or a cat's sudden look at me

like the rain's sound and earthy smell

or a cloudy day's laziness


like the sunny day's memories 

like a girl's dancing to a song

like a boy's look at me in the eyes

like sweet and soft hugs 


like lovers look at each other

like a woman on a balcony

drinking coffee and watching around

like a little cute  laugh of a boy


like the bus drivers waving

to another bus driver

like everyone who is themselves

without anything that stops them

when in reality there are obstacles

but they are mentally brave enough to fight them


for me, 

love is in everyone I've seen

and in every place I've been

I always felt and still feel like

I left some part of me

in everyone I've seen

and in every place I've been

But I've come to realize that

I also found myself in them

That's why I think love

is everywhere

but only people who are brave enough to feel it

can see and find it

Maybe I am just not brave enough anymore.

Friday, August 2, 2024

alone

Today is the day
My parents will leave me
And from now on 
I will live on my own
I am excited but
Also sad
I have so many mixed feelings 
I wanna cry but 
I wanna party too
I am very happy and relieved
But also depressed 

I guess I will get used to it
I think i will...

Tuesday, July 30, 2024

Every time I am on an airplane
I feel like this time it will crush
And my life will end
I am not that afraid of dying
But it would be sad 
Because I will be studying this semester
I have so many future plans
I have so much hope for so many things
I wanna at least have an old friend
Like a grandma to me
I just wanna meet at a park
I just hope this pilot knows what he is doing
And hope that a terror group won't take over 

Monday, July 15, 2024

Family business

Today was tough
I needed to make desicions
And then take action
But I didn't know what to do 
And i  worried and worried
Actually, probably for nothing

I went outside, to the balcony
It was afternoon
And then my cousin (10) came after
And he was all smiling, I was grumpy
I knew he wanted to play volleyball
He was bored of all these adult things
That we talked about all day with my parents
I didn't know but I too was, bored...

Then I looked at him
And he looked at me
He went inside
I turned around 
Began to think
WAIT A DAMN SECOND
I AM DOING THE SAME THING MY OLDER COUSINS DID
WHICH I'D PROMISED I WOULDN'T DO TO MY YOUNGER COUSINS WHEN I GROW UP
I now understood why they were sad or angry
And that these times were tough
But my cousin will never be 10 again!!
He will grow too...

I run straigt to him, to his room
I opened the door, very ironically slowly
He looked at me, sad
I slowy closed the door.....BUT then opened it very fast and WIDE and jumped to him
And said "yeah, wanna go and play volleyball? We can take our brothers with us too." 
He was so happy
We played, and then went swimming
I was lauging and smiling all the time

When I went home my dad was stressed
And I wasn't 
It stressed HIM
So I began to stress again
We argued, and I said 
"No, I'm not gonna be like this anymore
Like YOU
I wanna be smiling and not worrying too much
I don't wanna think about this (Ikea, bed, school) anymore
We did everything we can, and now we wait 'till tomorrow
Tomorrow will show us!
And please act with patience
Cuz I don't have patience to be anxious anymore"

I wish I had cousins like me
Mine would be sad, and go to their room
Then I would be sad
And no one would cheer me up...

Tuesday, July 9, 2024

BrUh...JEEzzzZzzZZZ

Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having an identity crisis?
Why am I having these thoughts?
Why am I having these thoughts?
Why am I like this, this, like this?
Like, why do I like girls?
Why do I like girls?
Why do I like boys?
Why do I hate boys?
Why do I like and hate boys?
Why do I love girls and boys at the same time?
Am I not old enough to have figured these things out?
I am bi, and people should accept it, but I can't even accept it myself!
Because I hate that people will hate me!
If they see me kissing a girl for example!
Most people will hate me...
My relatives will...
Others, the society, and then
In the end, I will hate me...
I felt that before...
Other people staring
Looking disgusted
Talking from my back
Hating me from my back
For no reason
But now high school is history
And college is a mystery
And this summer is a gift
And its a present...
I shouldn't worry about these things
This summer I will have fun
I will try to find out who I am
Who I really am
I will have a lot of time in collage
To find out who I am and
Some ethical dilemmas later
Maybe I will find out
But untill then
Im a confused girl
Who likes to say Bruh and jeez
XDXDXDXD

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Working dead

I am okay

I am alright

Everything is gonna be okay

No one but me says this

All the time

Everyone else around me says otherwise

They tell me what to do

So that I will be happy

But I am already happy

If you just let me be

I will be happier


I understand that these times are tough for you

You've been with me for 20 years

But now it's time for me to fly away

Like birds that are parting their way

We will always meet again at the end

We will fly in different directions

But I will always see that I already have you

I've got a part of you, in me

Just being myself, in my natural form

I am just like you but in a different way

I look at your pictures from the past

I see my ghost in you

I got my crazy soul from you

Not just that 

My music taste, my helpfulness

My hard-worker brain

My flirtatious heart

Only my nostalgic mind is new

You both are not that nostalgic


Actually, no one I met likes to talk about the past as much as I do

That must be unique, but I kinda feel like it's a burden to me now

I wanna let the past stay in the past these days

Make new memories and move on 

But I guess that's not who I am


The last time I wrote I was so angry 

I wrote about my parents 

Then I wrote about my job

A person who I'm working with made me so mad

I started to laugh out loud

And gosh I couldn't stop

So she got madder

And I laughed harder

I had tears in my eyes

I knew it was my coping mechanism

But It was not the time to laugh right there 

I guess I just needed to have a way to show that anger


That's why

The other thing I crave is somewhere I can totally be myself

And for that, I made a drawing book

I totally sewed it and cut it

I actually made a little notebook-ish drawing book

I called it "suppressed emotions and more"

There I got my deepest secrets

Things I wanna say but can't sometimes

I got my anger in it

I got my depression

My introverted self

My dark self that I try not to show people

My negative side

Someone no one wants in their life

That's why I won't show that book to anyone

Almost no one

Maybe some people who are very near me

might see it

But not my normal friends

I am too weak in that book

too vulnerable

I don't wanna worry people

Just wanna be MYSELF


I guess that works :)

Monday, June 24, 2024

Why so negative

I just want your love and comfort
But the only thing you tell me is 
It will get worse tomorrow
You are okay now but you will get worse
I look at her eyes, and gosh. 
She doesn't even understand me.

I was just happy for a moment, 
Then I asked him if it was okay
He said no.
What if.... he said and then what if.. this and that, 
THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND-
NeGative, negaTive, negatiVe, NegativE, NEGATIVE!!!!

Loking at my ceiling
Why am I not happy
Why do I have to pretend
What happened today
I laughed but I was angry
I laughed my guts out
Out loud as hell
What was that
What's happening to me

Am I a puppet
Was I?
Did I make a scene 
Or was I myself there
Am I myself here?

What if.. THIS AND THAT AND-
Positive, positive, positive,positive, POSITIVE!!!
Maybe not all NEGATIVE all the time?
no.
U R NAIVE.
No, I am not
Yes U R and U don't even know the world
NO I do know
NO U think U know but the only thing U should know is that U know nothing!
....
....
...
..
.

But I know one thing...
what..?
If I am not a robot here, laying 
It is because I can feel...
Even if I feel bad
Terrible
Disgusting
Whatever
Like nothing
You CANT make me loose hope
I feel hope and I hope it will find me
Maybe the only one I need love and comfort from
Is myself?



Have had Enough

I have these dreams where I don't die  but get close to. So-called nightmares. There are times I drown I explode from an atomic bomb I t...