This is my choice

This is not a poem but just a life update

I feel very free now. Finally after so much trouble about what I'm gonna choose to study next year. I can smell the freedom, the choice itself. No pressure and no expectations. 

Long story short. My mother always wanted me to have a job in the health industry. I was going to be a doctor or at least a nurse. My father, on the other hand, wanted me to have a job in the engineering industry. I was going to be an engineer, maybe a marine engineer or an energy engineer. 

They tried to shape me into these pieces. Tried to make me a person who I was not. I was going to fit into this job or another. I was their daughter anyway and I wanted to make them proud. I still do. 

After a while, I began to understand that I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. Not that I wasn't sure if I liked school or the subjects, I loved almost every lesson and learning. I knew that I at least LOVED math and physics. I kinda knew what I wanted now, but for my life after I was gonna graduate. I didn't really know what I REALLY wanted to study and have as a job in the future. 

When I talked to my friends about these things. After some time, I recognized that I was not excited when I said I was gonna study at NTNU, and be an engineer just like my father. I was just like "Oh, yeah. That's what I am gonna do and I will like it!". But was I going to like it? REALLY?! Surely I would like it and would study and get a job. But I would always think about the other thing that I was interested in since 5th grade. ASTRONOMY!!!

I was in love with this field. I loved the idea of galaxies, stars, planets, suns, magnetic fields, black holes, dark matter and many many more. I adored physics at school and was definitely in love with maths when I saw that nature itself could be calculated as well as it was not always calculateable. But it fascinated me when you could calculate nature's calculability. I just loved maths and that it had a connection with the physical world around me. I looked up to great scientists and how they worked as a team with others. I loved how they loved learning until they died.

I wanted to be LIKE THEM. My heart and mind wanted to do this. But what was saying that I couldn't study physics and astronomy (bachelor) and then quantum mechanics or astronomy (master) at the University of Oslo? What was the idea that was holding me and saying "No, but you have to study engineering at NTNU!!". 

Firstly it was fear. I was and am scared of a whole new city. There will be many obstacles and challenges. Maybe I will feel lonely from time to time and will miss my family if I go too far away. 

Secondly, it was my father's blessing. He didn't actually give his blessing about me studying to be an astronomer or quantum physicist. He ALWAYS knew that THE BEST for ME was being an engineer. According to him, the job wouldn't be hard and that I would love it. According to him, I was a perfect match for engineering. 

Finally after many years. Today. I talked to him about this. I said "But why? Why would you think that I would be more happy if I were an engineer instead of an astronomer??". He wouldn't answer this right away, first, he has to convey HIS WAY OF THINKING. After he finished it, I asked again "Why would you think that I would be more okay and happy in NTNU?". He told me another story about how he chose his job and studied what he thought was the best for him. When he finished I asked again I asked "But I don't understand. This is your story baba, I need an answer to why you think it would be better for me to be an engineer instead of an astronomer?". 

At last, he looked me, in the eyes. He saw me. Three seconds of silence. He replied "HMM, I might be telling you what I would do at your age if I were in your place." and then he added, "Yeah, I am not you after all.".

THIS.

THIS FOLKS. 

I NEVER FELT THE FREEDOM SO CLEAR LIKE THIS BEFORE.

I finally got my father to listen to what I had to say...

I said "This is a girl who has high hopes, and realistic goals. She can seem weak sometimes, but she is so stubborn she won't give up. If she wants something, she won't ask others, she will stand up and find a solution to find it, reach it, and consume it. And whatever you say, she will listen to her head and her heart at the same time to reach her goal. She might ask for advice but no, No she won't complain at all, because it is her life and this is how she chooses to live it. Challenging or not, she believes in herself. Please believe in her, so that she can be stronger!"

Now they support me for who I am, and what I want to do with my life... I have never felt like a feather before. I feel like I am levitating on the thin air. ¨

This will be my choice. 

AND

I am so grateful for it.