Family business

Today was tough

I needed to make desicions

And then take action

But I didn't know what to do 

And i  worried and worried

Actually, probably for nothing

I went outside, to the balcony

It was afternoon

And then my cousin (10) came after

And he was all smiling, I was grumpy

I knew he wanted to play volleyball

He was bored of all these adult things

That we talked about all day with my parents

I didn't know but I too was, bored...

Then I looked at him

And he looked at me

He went inside

I turned around 

Began to think

WAIT A DAMN SECOND

I AM DOING THE SAME THING MY OLDER COUSINS DID

WHICH I'D PROMISED I WOULDN'T DO TO MY YOUNGER COUSINS WHEN I GROW UP

I now understood why they were sad or angry

And that these times were tough

But my cousin will never be 10 again!!

He will grow too...

I run straigt to him, to his room

I opened the door, very ironically slowly

He looked at me, sad

I slowy closed the door.....BUT then opened it very fast and WIDE and jumped to him

And said "yeah, wanna go and play volleyball? We can take our brothers with us too." 

He was so happy

We played, and then went swimming

I was lauging and smiling all the time

When I went home my dad was stressed

And I wasn't 

It stressed HIM

So I began to stress again

We argued, and I said 

"No, I'm not gonna be like this anymore

Like YOU

I wanna be smiling and not worrying too much

I don't wanna think about this (Ikea, bed, school) anymore

We did everything we can, and now we wait 'till tomorrow

Tomorrow will show us!

And please act with patience

Cuz I don't have patience to be anxious anymore"

I wish I had cousins like me

Mine would be sad, and go to their room

Then I would be sad

And no one would cheer me up...

BrUh...JEEzzzZzzZZZ

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having an identity crisis?

Why am I having these thoughts?

Why am I having these thoughts?

Why am I like this, this, like this?

Like, why do I like girls?

Why do I like girls?

Why do I like boys?

Why do I hate boys?

Why do I like and hate boys?

Why do I love girls and boys at the same time?

Am I not old enough to have figured these things out?

I am bi, and people should accept it, but I can't even accept it myself!

Because I hate that people will hate me!

If they see me kissing a girl for example!

Most people will hate me...

My relatives will...

Others, the society, and then

In the end, I will hate me...

I felt that before...

Other people staring

Looking disgusted

Talking from my back

Hating me from my back

For no reason

But now high school is history

And college is a mystery

And this summer is a gift

And its a present...

I shouldn't worry about these things

This summer I will have fun

I will try to find out who I am

Who I really am

I will have a lot of time in collage

To find out who I am and

Some ethical dilemmas later

Maybe I will find out

But untill then

Im a confused girl

Who likes to say Bruh and jeez

XDXDXDXD

Working dead

I am okay

I am alright

Everything is gonna be okay

No one but me says this

All the time

Everyone else around me says otherwise

They tell me what to do

So that I will be happy

But I am already happy

If you just let me be

I will be happier

I understand that these times are tough for you

You've been with me for 20 years

But now it's time for me to fly away

Like birds that are parting their way

We will always meet again at the end

We will fly in different directions

But I will always see that I already have you

I've got a part of you, in me

Just being myself, in my natural form

I am just like you but in a different way

I look at your pictures from the past

I see my ghost in you

I got my crazy soul from you

Not just that 

My music taste, my helpfulness

My hard-worker brain

My flirtatious heart

Only my nostalgic mind is new

You both are not that nostalgic

Actually, no one I met likes to talk about the past as much as I do

That must be unique, but I kinda feel like it's a burden to me now

I wanna let the past stay in the past these days

Make new memories and move on 

But I guess that's not who I am

The last time I wrote I was so angry 

I wrote about my parents 

Then I wrote about my job

A person who I'm working with made me so mad

I started to laugh out loud

And gosh I couldn't stop

So she got madder

And I laughed harder

I had tears in my eyes

I knew it was my coping mechanism

But It was not the time to laugh right there 

I guess I just needed to have a way to show that anger

That's why

The other thing I crave is somewhere I can totally be myself

And for that, I made a drawing book

I totally sewed it and cut it

I actually made a little notebook-ish drawing book

I called it "suppressed emotions and more"

There I got my deepest secrets

Things I wanna say but can't sometimes

I got my anger in it

I got my depression

My introverted self

My dark self that I try not to show people

My negative side

Someone no one wants in their life

That's why I won't show that book to anyone

Almost no one

Maybe some people who are very near me

might see it

But not my normal friends

I am too weak in that book

too vulnerable

I don't wanna worry people

Just wanna be MYSELF

I guess that works :)

Why so negative

I just want your love and comfort

But the only thing you tell me is 

It will get worse tomorrow

You are okay now but you will get worse

I look at her eyes, and gosh. 

She doesn't even understand me.

I was just happy for a moment, 

Then I asked him if it was okay

He said no.

What if.... he said and then what if.. this and that, 

THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT AND THIS AND-

NeGative, negaTive, negatiVe, NegativE, NEGATIVE!!!!

Loking at my ceiling

Why am I not happy

Why do I have to pretend

What happened today

I laughed but I was angry

I laughed my guts out

Out loud as hell

What was that

What's happening to me

Am I a puppet

Was I?

Did I make a scene 

Or was I myself there

Am I myself here?

What if.. THIS AND THAT AND-

Positive, positive, positive,positive, POSITIVE!!!

Maybe not all NEGATIVE all the time?

no.

U R NAIVE.

No, I am not

Yes U R and U don't even know the world

NO I do know

NO U think U know but the only thing U should know is that U know nothing!

....

....

...

..

.

But I know one thing...

what..?

If I am not a robot here, laying 

It is because I can feel...

Even if I feel bad

Terrible

Disgusting

Whatever

Like nothing

You CANT make me loose hope

I feel hope and I hope it will find me

Maybe the only one I need love and comfort from

Is myself?

Inner Peace

They whispered to me

"This pain you are experiencing 

is what will make you, you

in the future. You don't know

if you will thank god for

giving you this pain. A medicine can 

heal you, even if it tastes bitter.

And you are not the only one, 

don't you forget that."

Then I whispered into nothingness

"How do you know me so well?

How do you know how it hurts?

You don't even care, you don't even see...

No effort, to make things better

Only tell me wise words, and 

think I'll be alright, but I'm not.

I am the only one standing here 

talking into nothingness."

They whispered into my ear this time, so close

"I know you, 'cause I'm in the wind

In the sea, in the water, in the earth. 

I've been you, and left you but not quite yet...

Something good can bring worse within,

Something bad can bring better within,

And you never know what can happen,

It's all a part of life, part of me.

You will never understand life,

If you won't make peace with life

If you won't find your inner peace."

The stubbornness arose from my guts

"Don't you dare tell me to find my inner peace

She was far gone since you left me a long time ago

When all you do is bring war into this world

Just let things go as they go as if it's all fair

When are you going to stop and see

That people are hurt, they are tired?!

They want peace, and I can't find my inner peace

When I know there are people in a war

dying because of human stupidity

How do you expect me to find my inner peace?!"

Slowly they whispered into my brain, tiredly

If you look carefully, I never left you.

I know it seems like there's no hope

that it's all a useless game that no one wants to play

but you have to stay where you are and listen

Patience is not your enemy, it's your savior 

You will thank yourself for being hopeful and patient

You are just a brick on a domino chain, and you will see

You are not the only one standing

When someone tries to take the chain down

You got to stay where you are

Strong and distanced from the crowd, untouchable

As if you are all alone, but with them in a row

So that you can help them when the others want to

take you down as a domino chain

You will be the one who breaks this chain

So that more people will not get hurt.

Your peace is in you, with yourself

you choose what you want to do with it.

But it would be more helpful if you were 

not fighting it."

My stars, math and physics

I am afraid

Of my future

I see the stars

I want to reach them

But

Who am I to reach the stars

When I can't even reach the sky?

Who am I to dream about the stars

When I can't even REALLY see them...

I feel like I see the beauty in things

Like physics and maths

But what am I gonna do

When I see the real stars

Burning balls floating in the emptiness?

Without a reason, just existing?

How am I gonna reach them

Cuz, they're burning, I know they will hurt me!

But from here, I see them, shining up there

I wanna see them shine, even closer

even if they hurt me...

I really don't know if its a good choice

Patience and my passion will show me 

The future

I just need to wait and don't stress

But, me, not stressing...

That would be a miracle.

One of the things I love most about myself

Is my courageous heart

I am so brave that there is nothing that

I look back to and say,

"OH..I wish I would've done that"

CUZ DUUH I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT

I'VE LIVED AS IF I LIVE ONLY ONCE

I experienced something which is gold worth

Withiout worrying over what other people think

Cuz SUPRIZE, it just doesnt really matter

Even if the think you've done was embarrassing

They won't remember it later

And even if they do, they will laugh and say

"Good old days, u remember when she did that? Yeah, She had the guts!"

I am pretty sure they will envy you

Cuz you lived your life to the fullest