This is my choice

This is not a poem but just a life update

I feel very free now. Finally after so much trouble about what I'm gonna choose to study next year. I can smell the freedom, the choice itself. No pressure and no expectations. 

Long story short. My mother always wanted me to have a job in the health industry. I was going to be a doctor or at least a nurse. My father, on the other hand, wanted me to have a job in the engineering industry. I was going to be an engineer, maybe a marine engineer or an energy engineer. 

They tried to shape me into these pieces. Tried to make me a person who I was not. I was going to fit into this job or another. I was their daughter anyway and I wanted to make them proud. I still do. 

After a while, I began to understand that I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. Not that I wasn't sure if I liked school or the subjects, I loved almost every lesson and learning. I knew that I at least LOVED math and physics. I kinda knew what I wanted now, but for my life after I was gonna graduate. I didn't really know what I REALLY wanted to study and have as a job in the future. 

When I talked to my friends about these things. After some time, I recognized that I was not excited when I said I was gonna study at NTNU, and be an engineer just like my father. I was just like "Oh, yeah. That's what I am gonna do and I will like it!". But was I going to like it? REALLY?! Surely I would like it and would study and get a job. But I would always think about the other thing that I was interested in since 5th grade. ASTRONOMY!!!

I was in love with this field. I loved the idea of galaxies, stars, planets, suns, magnetic fields, black holes, dark matter and many many more. I adored physics at school and was definitely in love with maths when I saw that nature itself could be calculated as well as it was not always calculateable. But it fascinated me when you could calculate nature's calculability. I just loved maths and that it had a connection with the physical world around me. I looked up to great scientists and how they worked as a team with others. I loved how they loved learning until they died.

I wanted to be LIKE THEM. My heart and mind wanted to do this. But what was saying that I couldn't study physics and astronomy (bachelor) and then quantum mechanics or astronomy (master) at the University of Oslo? What was the idea that was holding me and saying "No, but you have to study engineering at NTNU!!". 

Firstly it was fear. I was and am scared of a whole new city. There will be many obstacles and challenges. Maybe I will feel lonely from time to time and will miss my family if I go too far away. 

Secondly, it was my father's blessing. He didn't actually give his blessing about me studying to be an astronomer or quantum physicist. He ALWAYS knew that THE BEST for ME was being an engineer. According to him, the job wouldn't be hard and that I would love it. According to him, I was a perfect match for engineering. 

Finally after many years. Today. I talked to him about this. I said "But why? Why would you think that I would be more happy if I were an engineer instead of an astronomer??". He wouldn't answer this right away, first, he has to convey HIS WAY OF THINKING. After he finished it, I asked again "Why would you think that I would be more okay and happy in NTNU?". He told me another story about how he chose his job and studied what he thought was the best for him. When he finished I asked again I asked "But I don't understand. This is your story baba, I need an answer to why you think it would be better for me to be an engineer instead of an astronomer?". 

At last, he looked me, in the eyes. He saw me. Three seconds of silence. He replied "HMM, I might be telling you what I would do at your age if I were in your place." and then he added, "Yeah, I am not you after all.".

THIS.

THIS FOLKS. 

I NEVER FELT THE FREEDOM SO CLEAR LIKE THIS BEFORE.

I finally got my father to listen to what I had to say...

I said "This is a girl who has high hopes, and realistic goals. She can seem weak sometimes, but she is so stubborn she won't give up. If she wants something, she won't ask others, she will stand up and find a solution to find it, reach it, and consume it. And whatever you say, she will listen to her head and her heart at the same time to reach her goal. She might ask for advice but no, No she won't complain at all, because it is her life and this is how she chooses to live it. Challenging or not, she believes in herself. Please believe in her, so that she can be stronger!"

Now they support me for who I am, and what I want to do with my life... I have never felt like a feather before. I feel like I am levitating on the thin air. ¨

This will be my choice. 

AND

I am so grateful for it.

Fear sticking on to my body, freedom running through my heart

People are scared of what they can't see

The future, the ghosts or the darkness

People were always scared of these

But in a way or another they came over it

People CAN face their fears

They CAN make the effort

It is all about the STRENGTH

Within THEMSELVES and their passion

I always had a passion about how things worked

Interested in many fields, like math and physics

Everyone would call me the tiny curious demon

Asking questions that are qualified as unimportant

BUT were they?

Were the fundemental questions that me, as a child asked

Were these questions just garbage?

Or could they actually help me find better solutions?

To find a solution I MUST face my fears

Fear of being taken for granted

Fear of being all alone about something that I believe in

Fear of not being able to succeed

Fear of every risk that I will take

Fear of absolutely every obstacle that might crush me

Fear of absolutely EVERYTHING that might happen 

Only thing that I have observed when I feel these fearfull thoughts is that

They are always there

They never left me

Actually they are like superglued on my body

I tried to get them off but they hurt 

So maybe, I thought, I will try sticking some things on my sticky fears

Like stardust, and some glitter

Cover them with the hope 

that I got and some passion

That's why behind the stardust, glitter, hope and passion

I always got some fear

It is what keeps me going actually

I am always a little bit scared but I got that hope

That I CAN DO THIS

Fear only is a connection that is trying to protect me from danger

I don't say "No there is no danger! Take this fear away from me!!"

I only say "yes, I do fear, and this journey might be dangerous.

But what is not dangerous and risky in this life? 

Life itself is equal to danger! 

I will come over this, just like LIFE."

I CAN face my fears

I CAN make the effort

It is all about the STRENGTH

Within MYSELF and MY passion!

I will never let this passion die,

For that I have to let it go sometimes

Let it talk and walk and do strange things

Let it shut my fear off and be my strength

Only then I can be the best version of myself

Only then I can help myself be happy

Only then I can feel the freedom 

Running through my veins 

First into my heart

Eventually through my brain

But hopefully AGAIN...

through MY HEART....

falling has never been so rewarding....

I'm falling

Falling

Falling

And falling...

It's deep as the Pacific ocean

I can't see the end

But it's still so rewarding.

Understanding the nature of patience

Patience my darling

You can't stop time from moving

Waiting is the key

Sometimes time must go

Patience my darling

You can't stop anyone from leaving

Waiting is the key

Sometimes people must go

Lastly;

Patience my darling

Even when time and people are right

Waiting is the key

As well as taking action

Dead end?

Sometimes certain behaviors of my father

Makes me sad and worried

Sometimes he can't see the actual problem

Or even if he does, he won't care

Or maybe he experienced the same thing with his father

He sees himself in me and

He knows that it is not worth the effort to talk to me

To explain why I am wrong and he is right

I just want him to logically explain why he is right

Instead i hear "Okay, I'm tired. You are right, yeah, you are right. 

Can we close this conversation?"

This would make me mad before but

Now it only makes me sad

I can explain what happened this evening as an example

I think that they are taking too much care of my brother

While I do my own stuff all by myself

I did not say this because I want them to help me too

I just want them to let my brother be more independent 

This morning, my brother couldn't wake up (again) 

My dad doesn't know that I at least two times a week wake him up though

This morning, I couldn't wake up myself

So my dad did my job

My brother woke up because of my dad

While my dad did not wake me up, and I am glad he did not!

I learned my lesson, and I will wake up next time... 

or go to sleep earlier etc. etc...

But my brother won't learn these lessons now

And I am most certainly afraid he will

After in his life

In the evening I said, to my father "you should let him be, 

let him learn how to manage his sleep"

But my father said "should I let him be late for school?

This is idiotic, I can't just let him be!!!"...

"He doesn't do this often anyways." He said.

"He wakes up all by himself. Normally..."

I said "but he won't learn untill he makes a mistake!!"

He said "I am just helping him! This is necessary, 

just close the conversation already, 

I am getting pissed again!!!"

A new emotion in me appeared

I felt pity for my father.

I actually didn't feel this for my father before.

I just got sad

He said "you are exaggerating this situation. 

This is not a crisis."

He was right, it was not a crisis.

He was right, he CAN NOT let my brother sleep, 

because he is my brothers dad and

It would be cruel and careless of him 

If he wouldn't wake my brother up

My brother would think that my dad is a careless man

Even I CANNOT LET MY BROTHER SLEEP

And if my dad would talk to my brother about this

They would argue

They would fight very VERY loudly (happened)

So that explains why my dad 

began shouting to me this evening

He's got angry issues

My brother got it too

I thought that I had it too

But actually years changed me

Now I am calm when my father is very angry

I can talk calmly, and this makes him even angrier,

He starts jumping around, shouting loudly 

And then throwing random shit to the ground

It was a headset one time, or his phone

Maybe just a pen or a glass on the table

He was always like this, but he is better now

I remember that we was angrier ten years ago

Anyways, I guess he knows what he is doing

He is living his own damn life, with anger issues

I am STARTING to draw my red flags and

Starting to want a calm life with no anger issues...

I like discussing topics but this!

I do not accept this in my life, NOPE!!

He doesn't respect me or my thoughts

It is not like this all the time though

More often when he is hungry and tired

(He is hungry because he has to get this job done before eating,

or he has to do this job before letting himself relax)

Sometimes he is totally in a normal mood, 

but doesn't like my thoughts when I talk

Then he won't respect my thoughts again

He just says "no, you are wrong,

And I don't want to talk about this. Just stop."

I really don't know what is bothering him

It's obvious that there are taboos in our house

Some things that we don't talk about

Like when my mom is afraid to make him angry

So she stays quiet instead of telling her thoughts about a topic

But I understand it, and say it out loud

Then she looks at me with worried eyes

Her eyes say 'shhhh stay quiet"

And probably my dad gets mad at both of us

I don't want those taboos

I want communication

Because good communication leads to good conversations

Good conversations leads to good connections

And good connections lead to a better bonding

But if he won't listen about 

What is bothering me or my mom

Without getting angry

Then surely my mom will smoke

She will stay silent and smoke 

untill she feels her lungs hurt

Then surely I will answer calmly

And ask him "why?....."

And he will not be able to escape it

And respond with a "stop talking, or I can get angry"

He is smart and funny, he is very wise

But sometimes...

I feel like I don't even know him

We don't really communicate 

About the topics that matter the most

Let it be like this then

I will be leaving next year anyways

Then he will see that he has to wake my brother up

Almost every day

Because I already helped him every week

Just like him

I am just like him

He will understand this

But later

Now I just need to wait

For him, I will understand him

When I get a child

I totally agree with him though

I will understand him, I do understand now too

It is not easy ta have a rebel daughter

I love empathy

But he

He has a lack of empathy for me

Maybe it is hard for him to be empathetic 

Again, I don't really know because

He doesn't want to communicate...

This all feels like a dead end....

A Summer Rain

AH, the summer nights

When we would go out

Play hide and seek and

Laugh as much as we could

We would have to go on a 

Family trip with our family so

We would have to leave our friends

For a week or two that felt like an infinity

In that week or two weeks

You would meet your cousins

They were all boys and 

you were the firstborn girl

So you would be the leader

You were nine

Your brother was eight

One of your cousins was six

The other one was five

Summer mornings when people were going to their jobs

You would lead your three musketeers to the balcony 

From the balcony of the second floor of a building

You would make them take a glass of water

And spill it to the people walking by the street

You all would laugh so loud while

The people walking by the street

Would curse very loudly

What can I say? We were mischievous..

You would take the three musketeers

And climb up to a variety of trees

Apple, grape, hazelnut, fig and cherry

You would climb and pick up the fruits

They would eat all of it

You were happy because they were..

Thats why you would lead them

Unless they would just sit and watch tv

Or they would fight with each other

Especially when you would go to the mosque

With your grandmother in the evening

The boys would always fight when you were gone

When you would be back they were fine

...

One morning in another summer

There was another summer rain

You would run to the rain and dance

While the tree musketeers would watch you 

From the balcony of the second floor

You would say "What are you waiting for?"

You were eleven

Your brother was ten

One of your cousins was eight

The other one was seven

They would say "What are you doing out there?"

"It is warm inside, and not wet!"

"It's better for everyone if we stay inside..."

"Also, we are playing Minecraft!"

You would be heartbroken

Where were the three mischievous musketeers

Did they just pass away?

It could not happen...

Finally, your aunt would say "Eyy, Mehlika! You are gonna be sick, come inside!!"

You would start to cry

For the first time

In the rain

Not because you would fall down and hurt your body...

But because something hurt your heart from the inside...

That day you would learn to be more of an adult

How to sit and watch the rain inside instead of experiencing it

Just like other things that you would only watch in the future

And wish to experience it for the rest of your life...

...

At least your father was just like you

He didn't like watching when there was 

A chance to experience something exciting

He would run for it, just like you

That's how we ran away too

He didn't like watching others

He would rather die than watch

He wanted to experience and took 

The three musketeers along with him

My mom, me and my brother

Just like the risk of being sick because of the rain

There was a risk of drowning in a river or being shot by a soldier

There were risks everywhere

There was always a risk

All the time

But just like how I loved and enjoyed the rain

My father loved and enjoyed an adventure

He craved adventure and was brave

I craved adventure and I was brave

I knew that I wouldn't be sick because of the rain

Because I was happy and it helped me

He knew that we would survive because of the pain

Because he was not in pain when he was free

'Cause we all were not in pain when he was free...

...

AH, the summer nights

The sweet night talk on that balcony

Drinking Turkish tea and eating baklava

It all happened and ended as if it was 

A summer rain...

now I understand

I was just telling my past

Everything happened as 

They did and it cost

My life but nothing less

I was telling my past life when

Everything happened fast and

With a huge change in a lions den

I was escaping the non future land

There is life and light

In this world

There is death and dark

In this world

Both existed, 

are existing

will be existing 

As long as we 

Are living

I stoppet telling my past, now

It is just a blurry memory 

But I didn' even know how

I forgot everything so easily

Whereas I tought it was the past,

As i began to live my life

All the past drama and the past trauma

It all was a burden 

which was unbearable

There is death and dark

In this world

There is life and light

In this world

Both existed, 

are existing

will be existing 

As long as we 

Choose to live...

symptoms of lightning struck

Symptoms of falling in love for me is

Waking up at 5 am for no reason

Begining to think about him

Never being able to go back to sleep

A blessing and a curse

It has been a while since I felt this way

It has been a while since I felt actually happy

Sometimes I just feel like I will never be happy again...

Then just when I loose all hope, I feel happy again

I don't know what is failing me...

But I can feel my heart race again...

The adrenalin, the melatonin...mixed up

I know my heart will break again...

Then why try?? 

Why bother???

Why feel???

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MAKES US THE HUMAN RACE

BECAUSE WE CAN FEEL, WHICH IS 

BOTH A BLESSING...AND

A CURSE....