autumn

Its 5 am

I can't sleep

I love autumn

And it starts today

I am excited 

I am actually not tired

As I said

I can't sleep

One of the things I realized

Is that norwegian people won't sit 

Beside me on the bus

I guess it's because of my etnicity

I don't blame them

But why do I feel heartbroken?

For the first time in my blog career

I opened the paper

And I have no idea what to write

It's like, there is so much to write 

Everything is happening so fast

And I need to get this out 

Well, it turns out that my family and I

We are not that well getting along

I can't share everything with them

I don't feel free to speak

I gotta say "yeah, yeah..I'm fine..

Regular old..surviving"

I feel like, they don't really wanna know

They got their own lives

I've got mine now

I just...

I just have...

no one to share it with...

And it's a little bit boring I guess

Like all the walls are getting near me

Nearer and nearer, making me nervous

I feel trapped in this state

I don't think anyone cares

I feel like no one cares about me

And I fit in, in a way

But also I litteraly DON'T fit in

At all...

I don't know what to feel at this point

Because I should be happy

I dreamt about this

Now it is happening

I am not sad though

I just feel empty

I didn't hug anyone for some time now

I love hugs and kisses

I guess I miss them

Very much

A boy touched my shoulder today

I was in this jazz club

And like, I litteraly wanted to hug him

BUT I JUST MET HIM 

I think that sums up how much I miss hugs

Maybe what I lack is love

Affection and someone 

who understands me

This is a new life, so it is normal to be lost

I know no one and 

now I get to know people

I will know them in a while

And this will be my new normal

But this emptiness

I know it

It's just me, 

Being the enemy.

In my own story 

Again...

To myself

You are feeling something right now

You fell in love

Again, 

Don't try to push it away

Don't try to get away from it

Just feel what you got to feel

If it ends up with heartbreak

Feel that too!

If you love roses, 

you have to put up with its spikes

If you like to learn something new

You got to fail first

This is the rule 

And has been the rule for a long time

And the pain won't last forever 

'Cause WE don't even live forever!

Don't try to rush things

When it comes to feelings

Just go with the flow 

Only then you'll know

If it's is meant for you

Or what's not!

Maybe try to not cure yourself very fast

Feel the heartbreak so that you will think 

More wisely next time you start to feel the sparks

That is the way it should be but

The society is different nowadays

We get into a relationship then get bored

And we jump into the others

What about love?

What about loyalty?

What about the one?

I really wonder if there is one person..

That I will litteraly click with

And I wonder if one day I will say

"Yepp, that one, I wanna bring an 

Eternitiy with them"

I don't know

The flow is very slow

Maybe that's a good thing :)

I miss something that I don't know

I just called my mom

and heard about that my grandad is sick

He can't walk anymore

He couldn't hear properly for a while

But since I moved from Turkey to Norway

He got worse

It's just very sad that I will never know who he was

What songs he liked if he even listened to music

He is 90 years old

I may never know

what he liked to wear

what kind of food he just loved to eat

I may never hear it from him 

I will never know how his childhood was

what kind of dreams he had for his future

How he was as a child

Why he was so hard on his children

And why he never let go of my mom

Why he chose to be a police officer

I will never hear about his university memories

I may never hug him ever again

I don't really feel anything because I wasn't very near him

We did live near them but I was just a rebel teen at the time

I wouldn't listen to my mom who would want me to go visit them

I do OF COURSE regret but I was just a teen

Now I may never see him alive again 

I feel terrible

have been crying for an hour

But I don't even know if seeing him would change anything

I have a new different life here

And they are like,... it's as if the time stopped there...

They are the older generation

I can't understand them and neither can they

But I love them 

If I am a little bit smart

It is because of him and my dad

Both of them are smart men

I really don't know what I'm feeling

It's like losing something you could've had

But if it was never yours, what's the point of being blue?

I don't know

I guess my heart is rather blue

than red...

Sometimes I just wanna let it go

I wanna be depressed

I don't really wanna be like this no

Let me explain it better

I just wanna wear a hijab 

And do everything that my religion says

And just be unhappy

Just live with it

So that I can go to heaven

And live happily ever after

I just wanna die actually

So that I don't need to see 

The suffer and the unhappiness

I'm tired and sick of it

Oh to be in love with a poet!

Oh? How is it to be loved by a poet? you ask.

Well. Maybe she won't scream "I love you"

but she will write her guts out to the world

She will observe every little detail about you

She will love you, with your flaws and all

You will be surprised and ask yourself

"do I deserve her?" and the right answer is

"If she is writing about you, you deserve her!"

Because poets won't fall in love with normal people

She will fall in love with the one who is deep

Very deep, and dark. Like the Pacific Ocean

You deserve her if she writes about you

'Cause from all of the people she chose you

She chose your hazy-looking prehnite eyes

She chose your opinions and your perspective

she chose your way of doing things

while she always does what she wants herself

Oh to be loved by a poet!

That passion, that romanticism, that hearth

It is very rare, and if you catch it

Hold on as long as you can

Because even if she dies

You will never die

You will live in her poetry

You will hide in her words, in her world

You won't be forgotten very easily

If she LOVES you with HER HEART¨

You will know it from the way she writes

it will be a unique and timeless romance

'Cause in her heart you will always have a place

I've come to realize something

I really don't know what love is

'Cause all my life I've been

in love with the tiniest things 

Like a little girl's sweet smile

like a boy's generosity

like a lady's help for an old women

and the old women's smile back at her

like a bird singing like she is in a choir

or a cat's sudden look at me

like the rain's sound and earthy smell

or a cloudy day's laziness

like the sunny day's memories 

like a girl's dancing to a song

like a boy's look at me in the eyes

like sweet and soft hugs 

like lovers look at each other

like a woman on a balcony

drinking coffee and watching around

like a little cute  laugh of a boy

like the bus drivers waving

to another bus driver

like everyone who is themselves

without anything that stops them

when in reality there are obstacles

but they are mentally brave enough to fight them

for me, 

love is in everyone I've seen

and in every place I've been

I always felt and still feel like

I left some part of me

in everyone I've seen

and in every place I've been

But I've come to realize that

I also found myself in them

That's why I think love

is everywhere

but only people who are brave enough to feel it

can see and find it

Maybe I am just not brave enough anymore.

alone

Today is the day

My parents will leave me

And from now on 

I will live on my own

I am excited but

Also sad

I have so many mixed feelings 

I wanna cry but 

I wanna party too

I am very happy and relieved

But also depressed 

I guess I will get used to it

I think i will...