doomed bummers

We: the ones who think, thinkers...

We are people who are doomed to unhappiness.

Please let me see, please let me in...

If quantum entanglement is real

Which is when two particles act as if they communicate 

FASTER than the SPEED OF LIGHT

So when one of those particles spins up

We know that the other one is spinning down

Even from a very long distance

Particles are communicating and acting

As if they communicate with one another

There is evidence, that this is a real thing

John Clauser, Alain Aspect, and Anton Zeilinger

They earned the Noble Prize for Physics in 2022 

For working and succeeding in this experiment

Therefore

Despite the practical challenges;

If we can send one of those particles into a black hole

And the other one is held here on earth

Maybe?

Maybe, we could measure what is happening in the black hole

By measuring what is happening with the particles here on earth

Maybe we could get a glimpse of what is happening in there?

Love license

I like to find kind sweetness in little things

Like when I jump on to the school bus

And the driver waits for passengers to sit

He won't drive untill everyone is settled

There is some kind of love in this behavior

I am a student and I met infinite amount of 

Busdrivers and taxi drivers

There are some that won't even say "hi"

There are some that won't smile at you

There are some that won't wait for you to sit down

There are some that looks angry

Finally there are some that loves their job

I understand why drivers can be grumpy

It is not an easy job after all

I don't judge them if they do their job

Just to make some money 

It is their right to have this job

But life would be a better place if

They could be what they ACTUALLY wanted to be

Because they would smile, say "hi" and wait untill I sit down

If they liked their job

What is love?

I have been asking this to myself for a long time 

What is love?

I am not sure but I think I found the answer 

Love is not constant

Everyone cant define love

Or no one can understand it

Because it is a variable

It changes from person to person

It is all a matter of perspective

And I found out what love is

In my perspective

And I warn you, that you may not understand

What I mean by what I will say

Because it is my opinion

About love

SO

Love is; 

When I feel that someone actually gives a damn about me

When they make time for me, even if they are busy...

(they don't even need to meet me...or they don't need to message me... don't misunderstand this... I just need to know that they think about me... naturally because they care)

When they try to communicate with me and ask me questions about myself

When they ask me if I am hungry or if I need something from the grocery store

When they try to be the best version of themselves, but also very vulnerable 

When they look at me, in the eyes...and explain that they are alright without a word

When they hug me without a sexual desire, just because they CARE and because I am a PERSON, not a toy

When I feel like I can be the real me with them, the aggressive and gauche me

When I can be like a child with them, and when I don't even have the idea of them judging me, because they don't make me feel judged

When they can stop their physical desires, but listen to their heart and soul...and let me hear it

When I can feel free to argue with them, knowing that we will both say sorry at the end

When I can say all the bad words to them and they can say all the bad words to me...but we always try to fix those words with good ones...

When they take responsibility for little things

When they enjoy the little things we do together, maybe just because we do it together

Love is real when they say "why?" in response to my "I don't love you!" 

This, happened just once.. 

And I don't think it will happen again.

Maybe something similar, something familiar.

But no.

Real love comes once in a lifetime, right?

It did come to me, but I wasted it.

Now it's time to suffer.

Or maybe I am lucky enough to ACTUALLY meet someone (not find, I am TIRED) who actually gives a damn about me...?

We will see in the future.

And this is the closure.

A genocide

I am very tired

Life scares me these days

Change is inescapable

Do you ever feel like 

You are doing the right thing

but something is not right

I am very sad

But I don't really have 

a big excuse to be like this

Everyone around me 

looks like they are having

a bad time 

But, Me, here, right now

I am totally okay

My heart on the other hand

Is not okay at all

I ache with the wounds of others

If they are hungry

I don't want to eat

If they are thirsty

I can't drink water

If they can't have an education

I don't feel like studying

If they are cold

I won't relax at home

If they are dying

I am dying

If they don't get the right to live the life I am living right now

I am going to vomit on this awful system that exists before my very eyes

This is my choice

This is not a poem but just a life update

I feel very free now. Finally after so much trouble about what I'm gonna choose to study next year. I can smell the freedom, the choice itself. No pressure and no expectations. 

Long story short. My mother always wanted me to have a job in the health industry. I was going to be a doctor or at least a nurse. My father, on the other hand, wanted me to have a job in the engineering industry. I was going to be an engineer, maybe a marine engineer or an energy engineer. 

They tried to shape me into these pieces. Tried to make me a person who I was not. I was going to fit into this job or another. I was their daughter anyway and I wanted to make them proud. I still do. 

After a while, I began to understand that I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. Not that I wasn't sure if I liked school or the subjects, I loved almost every lesson and learning. I knew that I at least LOVED math and physics. I kinda knew what I wanted now, but for my life after I was gonna graduate. I didn't really know what I REALLY wanted to study and have as a job in the future. 

When I talked to my friends about these things. After some time, I recognized that I was not excited when I said I was gonna study at NTNU, and be an engineer just like my father. I was just like "Oh, yeah. That's what I am gonna do and I will like it!". But was I going to like it? REALLY?! Surely I would like it and would study and get a job. But I would always think about the other thing that I was interested in since 5th grade. ASTRONOMY!!!

I was in love with this field. I loved the idea of galaxies, stars, planets, suns, magnetic fields, black holes, dark matter and many many more. I adored physics at school and was definitely in love with maths when I saw that nature itself could be calculated as well as it was not always calculateable. But it fascinated me when you could calculate nature's calculability. I just loved maths and that it had a connection with the physical world around me. I looked up to great scientists and how they worked as a team with others. I loved how they loved learning until they died.

I wanted to be LIKE THEM. My heart and mind wanted to do this. But what was saying that I couldn't study physics and astronomy (bachelor) and then quantum mechanics or astronomy (master) at the University of Oslo? What was the idea that was holding me and saying "No, but you have to study engineering at NTNU!!". 

Firstly it was fear. I was and am scared of a whole new city. There will be many obstacles and challenges. Maybe I will feel lonely from time to time and will miss my family if I go too far away. 

Secondly, it was my father's blessing. He didn't actually give his blessing about me studying to be an astronomer or quantum physicist. He ALWAYS knew that THE BEST for ME was being an engineer. According to him, the job wouldn't be hard and that I would love it. According to him, I was a perfect match for engineering. 

Finally after many years. Today. I talked to him about this. I said "But why? Why would you think that I would be more happy if I were an engineer instead of an astronomer??". He wouldn't answer this right away, first, he has to convey HIS WAY OF THINKING. After he finished it, I asked again "Why would you think that I would be more okay and happy in NTNU?". He told me another story about how he chose his job and studied what he thought was the best for him. When he finished I asked again I asked "But I don't understand. This is your story baba, I need an answer to why you think it would be better for me to be an engineer instead of an astronomer?". 

At last, he looked me, in the eyes. He saw me. Three seconds of silence. He replied "HMM, I might be telling you what I would do at your age if I were in your place." and then he added, "Yeah, I am not you after all.".

THIS.

THIS FOLKS. 

I NEVER FELT THE FREEDOM SO CLEAR LIKE THIS BEFORE.

I finally got my father to listen to what I had to say...

I said "This is a girl who has high hopes, and realistic goals. She can seem weak sometimes, but she is so stubborn she won't give up. If she wants something, she won't ask others, she will stand up and find a solution to find it, reach it, and consume it. And whatever you say, she will listen to her head and her heart at the same time to reach her goal. She might ask for advice but no, No she won't complain at all, because it is her life and this is how she chooses to live it. Challenging or not, she believes in herself. Please believe in her, so that she can be stronger!"

Now they support me for who I am, and what I want to do with my life... I have never felt like a feather before. I feel like I am levitating on the thin air. ¨

This will be my choice. 

AND

I am so grateful for it.

Fear sticking on to my body, freedom running through my heart

People are scared of what they can't see

The future, the ghosts or the darkness

People were always scared of these

But in a way or another they came over it

People CAN face their fears

They CAN make the effort

It is all about the STRENGTH

Within THEMSELVES and their passion

I always had a passion about how things worked

Interested in many fields, like math and physics

Everyone would call me the tiny curious demon

Asking questions that are qualified as unimportant

BUT were they?

Were the fundemental questions that me, as a child asked

Were these questions just garbage?

Or could they actually help me find better solutions?

To find a solution I MUST face my fears

Fear of being taken for granted

Fear of being all alone about something that I believe in

Fear of not being able to succeed

Fear of every risk that I will take

Fear of absolutely every obstacle that might crush me

Fear of absolutely EVERYTHING that might happen 

Only thing that I have observed when I feel these fearfull thoughts is that

They are always there

They never left me

Actually they are like superglued on my body

I tried to get them off but they hurt 

So maybe, I thought, I will try sticking some things on my sticky fears

Like stardust, and some glitter

Cover them with the hope 

that I got and some passion

That's why behind the stardust, glitter, hope and passion

I always got some fear

It is what keeps me going actually

I am always a little bit scared but I got that hope

That I CAN DO THIS

Fear only is a connection that is trying to protect me from danger

I don't say "No there is no danger! Take this fear away from me!!"

I only say "yes, I do fear, and this journey might be dangerous.

But what is not dangerous and risky in this life? 

Life itself is equal to danger! 

I will come over this, just like LIFE."

I CAN face my fears

I CAN make the effort

It is all about the STRENGTH

Within MYSELF and MY passion!

I will never let this passion die,

For that I have to let it go sometimes

Let it talk and walk and do strange things

Let it shut my fear off and be my strength

Only then I can be the best version of myself

Only then I can help myself be happy

Only then I can feel the freedom 

Running through my veins 

First into my heart

Eventually through my brain

But hopefully AGAIN...

through MY HEART....