What an amazing world 💀

I HATE SLEEPING

I cant fall asleep

I have math and chemistry tomorrow

I slept for like 5 hours in a row for many days

Im so tired but I can not sleep

The only thing i am thinking is crying

I just wanna cry and shout

Get it out of me

I hate it when my parents make noise

Exactly when I will fall asleep

I hate that they talk 

Behind the wall

their blurry talk

IT IS IN MY BRAIN 

I FEEL THE PAIN

But I mostly hate that

I know i will wanna sleep more in the morning

And i will say that i should go to bed early

Just like i did yesterday and today...

Did i go to bed early?

YES ACTUALLY

BUT DID IT CHANGE ANYTHING

NOPE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS?

THESE FRICKING CREATIVE THINGS AT NIGHT??

WHY NOT IN THE MORNING???

I FEEL DEAD WHEN I WAKE UP... I ADORE SLEEP IN THE MORNING

BUT NO, I ACTUALLY HATE THAT I NEED IT

I WISH, REALLLY WISH, THAT I DIDNT NEED SLEEP

THAT WOULD BE AN AMAZING WORLD FOR ME

Not different.

The fall was yet to come

I fell in love again

I slam my hand on my face

AGAIN

I KNOW! I know...

Love is like a drug, and

I AM afraid to experience it again

But I AM brave too

Braveness is actually 

doing something even if you are

terribly afraid of it

I am terribly afraid to 

be rejected by people

but I talk to them

even if they might 

ignore me...

Love is weird though

I feel like if I have too much

I can lose my control

I don't wanna do it again

Maybe thinking before everything 

Might be a better option

There are two voices inside me

The first voice inside me sometimes says, 

"Don't worry, just do whatever you desire"

The second one says,

"Wait, when did you meet? do you even know him?

You need to know him well before everything!! 

Don't you think he is too childish? 

He doesn't even fit into your criteria!!!

Where is the blue-eyed bookworm boy?? "

I ROAR, SILENCE!!!!!

Because I learned that sometimes

You can't have it all

You might just crush someone

And they just match your vibe you know

You just hang out and have quality time together

Maybe that turns into love or doesn't

Why label?

My fantasies are just fiction

In real life, there can be other things that matter

like his deep, beautiful voice..

I could listen all day long

I could stare at his eyes 

because they change color all day long

I don't want to mention his strawberry lips

I wanna bite them like a vampire 

But more than his looks, I like

his thoughts on things

Politics, psychology, Science

His random music taste that

I surprisingly like

The way he cuddles

And the way he looks at me

Can a human being look with

Puppy eyes but also be like a cat??

I never saw this before

I never met someone like him before...

He is different, and I like it..

He makes me feel

Not different.

Let go of your thoughts

 It is 2 am

i just wanna write 

something that i learned

I can't change people

everyone has their own life

I am actually relieved about it

'Cuz before, I thought

"Oh, this person won't watch Disney movies

He misses a lot."

But one can not long for something

If one never experienced it before

That, I didn't know, and

I tried to get people to 

watch movies i liked

or get them to listen to

the music that i liked

But if they didn't want it

I shouldn't push them to

But i did push them 

So smart i was

I thought, I always knew the best

But i did the worst...

Now i let go of the things

that are not my problems

I let go of the people

who call just to use me

I let go of my memories

They are the past

Now i hold on to my future

Which is yet to come

A leap of faith

Everything is falling down

Extreme weather

People are falling down

War hits harder

I want to make a change

I want to help people

I want to wrap their wounds

I want to hug them and say

"Everything is going to be okay"

Even if I'd i say it

Would i even believe it?

Deep inside 

I wouldn't

'Cuz 

Deep inside

I would know

Everything ends

With death

And he would say

"People are afraid of what they don't know"

Death, we know nothing about

But if I look from my perspective

I would tell you

"People just need a leap of faith"

You need something to believe in

Whatever you call it, i won't care

You need something to believe in

to keep going...

I need to believe in myself

I gotta be confident about it

Because i don't wanna be beaten

Or drown in the gossip

If you wanna survive

in this cruel world,

You gotta focus,

And believe in yourself!

FALL LEAVES

You remind me 

How beautiful 

nature is

Orange, yellow and 

some green

Fall leaves

You remind me

How Meaningful 

life is

Joyful, exciting and

sometimes sad

Fall leaves

You remind me

of myself

fall leaves

Sometimes mad

maybe sad

but always

hoping for

a little bit more

- Meia (Original)

Miracle people

I have been thinking about my future lately

As if i didn't for the last 3 years of my life

I won't even say the stupid "life choices"

I have to make, even if i'm not sure

Of anything at all, cuz i'm too young

It's 2 am, and i am scrolling down 

My university choices i can attend

I will be choosing in 9 months

But i do have a clude though

I want astronomy,

Maybe Spacephisics,

Or renewable energy engineering,

What if, Just classical phisics,

I am loosing my mind

I dont even know if i can learn

That stuff...

It sounds cool, yeah

When i read Stephen Hawking or Carlo Rovelli

Phisics and how life works

I am mesmerized

But do i really fit in this field?

Even if i study this stuff

After i finish and get a job

Will i get enough money?

Is it an international study?

Where will i study anyways?

Will my points be enough to attend?

How am i gonna get through all the exams?

A million questions

I am both lazy to write and think actually

It is summertime right?

I should relax

No. Nope. You know me!

I kinda like this part of myself though!

I never give up, i am stubborn.

I think and think.

Do i get exhausted though?

Yes. Yepp. You know me.

But i rest, and study or think again!

However, i got exhausted by trying to think

What to choose for studying at the university 

I got uninspired...i felt like... i am normal

I am not smart enough to choose phisics or science..

Then i checked youtube.. 

Algorithm never gives up, i saw an interview 

It was Richard Feynman.

He said "there is no miracle people, it just happens they got interested in this thing and they learned all this stuff...they're just people..there's no talent, special ability to understand quantum mechanics or a miracle abilitiy to imagine electrimagnetic fields.."

I don't really know if i agree with him

But damn, he is good at inspiring normal people

I think his point is that there are no miracle people

There are "normal people" who are lazy and won't learn

And there are "miracle people" who get their ass up and work hard

The thing is, that normal people call people who get their ass up and work as if they are not tired as miracle people

But it is not true

Everyone can be miraculous

Although, i do not agree with him at one point

He has a higher IQ, and it makes him a faster learner

So he is smarter, or faster to learn and do calculations

Anyways, this speech he gave inspired me

And i got an idea on my mind

SO;

There are infinite possibilities 

For an electron in an atom

To exist..the location and the time

If we would know exactly when and where

An electron would be at a specific time

We could predict its future

But we can't do it

Because it is quantum mechanics

So tiny, that our detectors are not enough

To detect an electron that is super fast

So we named the electrons position

As "A superposition"

It changes places around the core so fast

For a human being to understand

That it is almost in several positions at the same time

Which is actually impossible but the time between changes is very near 0 that we call it 0

We simplify it's phisics

That's what we do all the time at high school too

But sometimes i think

What if we could detect the electrons

Where time moves slower

But guess what?

Time moves slower

Where there is no matter 

When there is matter and

Therefore gravitational force

Time moves faster

I don't really know where i am going

With this conversation with myself

But now you understand why i can't choose

Because i don't know precisely

What is gonna happen in the future

Where i can't controll my grades

I can't controll my heart, my brain or my health

I think i can control choosing

But i can't do that either

Even if i choose phisics to study as my first choice

If my grades are not enough

My second choice will be choosen

Or the third

I am anxious

Because i dont have any controll

But it looks like i do

And it feels like not just the people

But life itself is two-faced

And i am afraid now that i've grown

i see both of the faces

I am not sure of anything

When there is a fifty/fifty chance

For so many things in life...

Like electrons place in an atom..

Or a babies gender,

Or Schrödinger's cat..

Acting

Do you know what i've recognized?

I like looking at the world with others' point of view..

Maybe I should write some lyrics about that...

Looking at the world

Thinking about millions of people

Every one of them has a different life

I feel so tiny in this mess

Not always..but sometimes

Especially when i am in a crowd

If you ask me where i feel the most alone

I feel most alone in a crowd of people

Where there are people maybe i have seen or maybe not

I know almost nothing about them

It makes me feel tiny, insignificant and insecure..

I never tell this to people though...

People who think they know me think i am confident

In their pov. I am confident, brave, determined, hard-worker, sarcastic and so on...

They don't actually know me

Because i don't really show who i am

But who am i if i show them the other me?

The one who is always afraid, anxious with zero confidence...

It would be lame to show the vulnerable person in me...

People can use it against me

In this concrete jungle 

I have to survive somehow

That is why i "act" as if i am confident

But actually i don't have a clue about

What i am doing in the moment...

Sometimes people judge me

They say "don't be so confident! you don't know everything! you can't solve everything!"

Yeah they say, but they don't know 

I am a good actor

I act as if i am a character from a movie

*She has confidence..she can do anything*

But actually i don't think like that

I think i am nothing

I think i am a loser

I think also that i sometimes get too swept away with the acting that i actually become that person

But no

I want to find the balance

Litteraly 

My motto is 

"If you want something to be done, first believe that its possible, second act like you are a 100% sure and then stand up!"

I do this every day

From the morning when i don't wanna wake up...

Untill the night when i can't fall asleep...

I say "yeah, it will be a good day cuz i say so!" Or i say "heheee, sleeep...my old enemy! I hate that i need you but you're sweet..yeah so let me sleep a little bit...ZzzzZzz"

If you are not confident, who is?

How do leaders lead their team?

How does people make desicions?

I do it with acting...and i guess everyone got a little actress in their hearts...