The problematic dark wintery season

Uncertainty makes me feel empty

I used to predict how thing would go 

Before

Now I feel like I can't anymore...

Things are getting hard 

Both in school and life

Is this because 

I come of age?

Now my life looks like

School, eat, homework, sleep

And you can repeat it

For 5 days

I wanna paint

I wanna play guitar

I wanna hang out with my besties

I wanna watch some series

But mostly I wanna read books

Now I have hardly time 

For any of that

I feel sad 

But I like school and homework too

I used to like it at least

Before

Now I feel like it is just overwhelming 

Things are hard now

I am struggling every day 

I can't find solutions easily 

Words can't explain how terrified i get

But every problem has a solution anyway...

The sun rises after a very dark night too...

There is spring after winter...

Am I in the problematic dark wintery season?

Maybe I will be in this season for a while?

It's allright though, these problems are much better than doing just what I like...

Because you can cry if you laugh too much also...

You can get bored by listening your favorite song on repeat for a week...

You can gain too much weight if you eat too much chocolate...

I will find a balance 

At the end

I will, I know

I believe in me

Untill then,

I will be waiting for the beautifully shining summery season...

The depression in the air

I actually did not hear the alarm in the morning

But i woke up on my own 

And I felt as if i was not tired

But i guess i am just overtired 

Anyways, it has been a long time since i got the will

To write here like this

I am in the buss

Reading books and listening to my autumn playlist on spotify

Right now i am listening to "R U Mine?"

Isnt fall just beatiful?

I love the depression in the air

Natures way to say goodbye

I think I actually love goodbyes

Because it is just so dramatic

It makes me feel like I am in a movie

What an amazing world 💀

I HATE SLEEPING

I cant fall asleep

I have math and chemistry tomorrow

I slept for like 5 hours in a row for many days

Im so tired but I can not sleep

The only thing i am thinking is crying

I just wanna cry and shout

Get it out of me

I hate it when my parents make noise

Exactly when I will fall asleep

I hate that they talk 

Behind the wall

their blurry talk

IT IS IN MY BRAIN 

I FEEL THE PAIN

But I mostly hate that

I know i will wanna sleep more in the morning

And i will say that i should go to bed early

Just like i did yesterday and today...

Did i go to bed early?

YES ACTUALLY

BUT DID IT CHANGE ANYTHING

NOPE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS?

THESE FRICKING CREATIVE THINGS AT NIGHT??

WHY NOT IN THE MORNING???

I FEEL DEAD WHEN I WAKE UP... I ADORE SLEEP IN THE MORNING

BUT NO, I ACTUALLY HATE THAT I NEED IT

I WISH, REALLLY WISH, THAT I DIDNT NEED SLEEP

THAT WOULD BE AN AMAZING WORLD FOR ME

Not different.

The fall was yet to come

I fell in love again

I slam my hand on my face

AGAIN

I KNOW! I know...

Love is like a drug, and

I AM afraid to experience it again

But I AM brave too

Braveness is actually 

doing something even if you are

terribly afraid of it

I am terribly afraid to 

be rejected by people

but I talk to them

even if they might 

ignore me...

Love is weird though

I feel like if I have too much

I can lose my control

I don't wanna do it again

Maybe thinking before everything 

Might be a better option

There are two voices inside me

The first voice inside me sometimes says, 

"Don't worry, just do whatever you desire"

The second one says,

"Wait, when did you meet? do you even know him?

You need to know him well before everything!! 

Don't you think he is too childish? 

He doesn't even fit into your criteria!!!

Where is the blue-eyed bookworm boy?? "

I ROAR, SILENCE!!!!!

Because I learned that sometimes

You can't have it all

You might just crush someone

And they just match your vibe you know

You just hang out and have quality time together

Maybe that turns into love or doesn't

Why label?

My fantasies are just fiction

In real life, there can be other things that matter

like his deep, beautiful voice..

I could listen all day long

I could stare at his eyes 

because they change color all day long

I don't want to mention his strawberry lips

I wanna bite them like a vampire 

But more than his looks, I like

his thoughts on things

Politics, psychology, Science

His random music taste that

I surprisingly like

The way he cuddles

And the way he looks at me

Can a human being look with

Puppy eyes but also be like a cat??

I never saw this before

I never met someone like him before...

He is different, and I like it..

He makes me feel

Not different.

Let go of your thoughts

 It is 2 am

i just wanna write 

something that i learned

I can't change people

everyone has their own life

I am actually relieved about it

'Cuz before, I thought

"Oh, this person won't watch Disney movies

He misses a lot."

But one can not long for something

If one never experienced it before

That, I didn't know, and

I tried to get people to 

watch movies i liked

or get them to listen to

the music that i liked

But if they didn't want it

I shouldn't push them to

But i did push them 

So smart i was

I thought, I always knew the best

But i did the worst...

Now i let go of the things

that are not my problems

I let go of the people

who call just to use me

I let go of my memories

They are the past

Now i hold on to my future

Which is yet to come

A leap of faith

Everything is falling down

Extreme weather

People are falling down

War hits harder

I want to make a change

I want to help people

I want to wrap their wounds

I want to hug them and say

"Everything is going to be okay"

Even if I'd i say it

Would i even believe it?

Deep inside 

I wouldn't

'Cuz 

Deep inside

I would know

Everything ends

With death

And he would say

"People are afraid of what they don't know"

Death, we know nothing about

But if I look from my perspective

I would tell you

"People just need a leap of faith"

You need something to believe in

Whatever you call it, i won't care

You need something to believe in

to keep going...

I need to believe in myself

I gotta be confident about it

Because i don't wanna be beaten

Or drown in the gossip

If you wanna survive

in this cruel world,

You gotta focus,

And believe in yourself!

FALL LEAVES

You remind me 

How beautiful 

nature is

Orange, yellow and 

some green

Fall leaves

You remind me

How Meaningful 

life is

Joyful, exciting and

sometimes sad

Fall leaves

You remind me

of myself

fall leaves

Sometimes mad

maybe sad

but always

hoping for

a little bit more

- Meia (Original)