Sunday, March 24, 2024

I wonder if we look at the same moon
Same stars

I wonder if we look at the same stars
Same scars, same sky

I wonder if we look at the same dream
same scream

I wonder if you miss me
I wonder if i will stop...

Longing...

I wander around 
There is a full moon

I'm half empty 
But not 'cause of love
'Cause of longing

These tiring years without you
These people we see all year
But not eachother

This situation, you don't see
This longing, you don't even know
I'm still waiting

It has been a while now
I still dream every day about us
Our friendship
That didn't mean much
To you

Don't ask me why I cared so much!
Because I can't answer
But I loved you
That I know..

And damn, I still love you
But you wouldn't understand

'Cause it has been years
Since we spoke under 
The same moon

Same stars, same scars
Same dream, same scream...

Friday, March 22, 2024

8 years ago today...

 My real name's meaning in English is 

"beautiful like a moon"

but it's not so great translated

in Turkish it is

"a piece from the moon, very beautiful woman"


Now, I don't really think I'm so beautiful

But I love that my name is related to the moon

Moon, the hole of light

I love talking to her

She lightens up my darkness

I tell her my darkest secrets,

What I long for and what I'm scared of...


You know what I miss?

I miss a friend of mine

I am writing as if I am talking to the moon now

I miss her so much

But I know that she doesn't

She's totally over me

She was over our friendship already in 2018

But I missed her and my normal life

Today, I got a notification that said

"8 years ago today." 

I started crying, it was my friend and me

making a face mask and using carrots on our eyes

because I didn't have any cucumber at home XD

That was sooo funny, and I miss that feeling

True love and true happiness


I hope that happiness hits me like a bullet in the head again

I really miss it

It's not that I am not happy

I really am

But I see that I began to fake happiness, to make others happy too

That's really unhealthy

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

just a phase, like the moon

I changed

I am constantly changing but this time

My thoughts and my behaviors are so different

Last year, I was a WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON

I didn't drink, I was behaving better, and didn't have other health problems

(I don't drink regularly, I just tried 3 times...alright now maybe 3 times is not trying anymore)

Anyways, I don't really want to be like this?

Or do I?

NO, I KNOW

I should just think that this is normal

This is a phase and will go away

Things are new to me

everything is

so I guess I should be patient

With myself and everything

...

Tuesday, March 19, 2024

 Well..

there is a friend of mine

we are not so close

I always knew her as a cool person

I always wanted to be friends with her

Now I kinda am friends with her 

And some guy friends of hers

And her guy friend said that she is going through some stuff right now

I didn't know ANYTHING

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING

I DIDN'T KNOW A FUCKING THING


She has and had suicidal thoughts

SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL

She had them for years 

SHE CUT HERSELF

SHE USED DRUGS TO KILL HERSELF

SHE WAS AT THE HOSPITAL LAST WEEK

I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING

I DIDN'T KNOW A FUCKING THING


my hand are shaking while writing this

i don't have an idea about how to help her

And then my guy friend says that he 

HE DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL 

BECAUSE OF HER...

'CAUSE SHE NEEDED SOMEONE 

WHO COULD TAKE CARE OF HER


I WAS LIKE "WHAAAAAAAAAT THEE-??!!"

I cried 

Alot

In my car

Last night

I had a breakdown

but IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER


WHAT MATTERS IS "HOW CAN I HELP HER?"

HOW?

I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE

THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANNA SOB

Monday, March 18, 2024

tHiS fUnNy LitTle fEeLiNG

How can a person have the litteral power to break you up into 10 000 pieces?

Or make your day so much better that you fly up to the blue and feel that fuzzy thing in your stomach?

How can some person make you feel like you are at the highest point on a roller coaster?

Thats litteraly how it feels every time I look at those eyes...

Unfortunately

It's kinda getting annoying, I don't want it anymore but don't know how to not feel it...

How can you go down to the safe ground on a roller coaster?

Well, you experience all the shit and feel fuzzy and scared...then suddenly, it stops. 

Maybe that's how it's gonna be?

Feeling weird untill it doesn't?

Yeah, maybe that's the thing...

Sunday, March 17, 2024

Jeg har mange grunner til å være trist, og jeg velger å bli deprimert...


Jeg har bare en romantisk sjel

Romantiserer livet, kjærlighet...

Ekte verden;... derimot vet jeg, er ikke så fint egentlig

Ting er kleint, skittent, slemt, stygt og fryktelig vanskelig


Jeg fortsatt prøver å forstå hvordan alt det fungerer

Dette fører også til at mange folk kjenner meg feil

Fordi jeg ikke er redd for å ta risk og gjøre feil

Jeg lærer fra feilene mine og så går videre


Samfunnet kommer alltid til å synes at jeg er rar

At jeg ikke passer helt inn og gjør merkelige ting

At jeg har en rar romantisk sjel og skriver faktisk dikt

At jeg tror jeg er bedre enn andre folk og at jeg får bedre karakterer enn dem


Egentlig har jeg bare vanlige karakterer

Egentlig synes jeg at jeg er verre en alle sammen

Egentlig er jeg bare ei jente som kommer fra Tyrkia

En liten dråpe i et svært hav


Egentlig; så vet jeg ikke helt hvem jeg er fordi

Jeg er ikke nordmenn, men jeg kan ikke kalle meg tyrkisk heller

Jeg er ikke en fysiker, men jeg kan ikke kalle meg uinteressert heller

Jeg er ikke redd, men jeg kan ikke si at jeg ikke frykter for det ukjente

Jeg er ikke rar, men jeg kan ikke bevise det til "de andre"

Jeg er muslim, men jeg drikker og liker både jenter og gutter

Jeg er glad i realfag, men kan ikke klare meg uten kunst

Jeg er en person, men jeg vet ikke hvordan jeg burde bli?


... 


Tusenvis av spørsmål inn i hodet mitt og

Jeg skal flytte 584 km unna stedet jeg kaller hvertfall "hjem" nå!

Er ikke dette her galskap; å flytte så langt unna hvem du er 

for å finne deg selv?

Nei..,

Det er egentlig helt genialt. 

En blank ark for å skrive

historien din Meia.


Det du levde inntil nå var en del av din families historie

Men når du flytter, skal du skrive din egen historie

Det høres kanskje skummelt ut å ha fullstendig ansvar for deg selv

Likevel, vet jeg at du gjør dette allerede og mer enn det

Du er mer enn klar for dette..., livet!


Livet kommer til å slå deg i hodet og lære deg å være et menneske.

Dermed, skal livet lære deg hvordan du ikke burde være også,

For eksempel, å gjemme din egen skatt i ditt hode, fordi den er mer verdifull enn det du tror

Livet kommer til å hjelpe deg, jeg er sikker på det


Det eneste du må gjøre er å ikke glemme hvor du kommer fra

Du kommer ikke fra tyrkia, nei, og du kommer ikke fra norge

Altså, hvordan skal man ikke glemme noe man ikke vet?

Du vet jo det, du kjenner jo deg! Du er bare deg selv, en oljedråpe i havet

Du kommer fra deg selv, og det er derfor du er unik

Du er kanskje litt rar, og andre synes at noe er galt med deg

Men det er bare på grunn av at de ikke ser hva som skjer inn i DEG


De ser jo ikke at du har en dyp savn for en bestevenn du hadde

og at det er derfor du rulleskøyter rundt byen hver vår og hver sommer

De vet jo ikke hvorfor du går og ser på elva ved skola ofte etter timene

at du hadde blitt forlatt der av din kjæreste du virkelig elsket

De vet jo ikke hvorfor du ofte leser, for

ofte ekte mennesker ser på deg rart når du sier en hel setning.

De vet jo ikke hvorfor du sier unnskyld hele tiden

du har jo ikke lov til å gjøre noe feil imot dem, du føler deg dømt

Likevel gjør du feil, og siden du er ikke redd for feilene, sier du unnskyld

De vet jo ikke hvorfor du føler deg lei deg og nostalgisk

at du savner fortiden så veldig dypt og føler deg forrådt

De vet jo ikke hvorfor du begynner å gråte etter en dramatisk film

for du nesten døde akkurat 6 år siden mens du flyktet

du har blitt traumatisert uten å merke det selv, men du kommer over det også


Det du mest trenger nå er en hel blank side

Da kan du skrive din historie...

Du var fin på sjøen, så hoppet jeg inn...

 Du er en gul vannlilje


Du blomstrer i mai.

Når vannet blir varmere hver dag


Du er en skjønnhet som flyter i stillvann


Overraskende hardfør til tross for din delikate fasade

et ganske stort smil med hvilende øyne


Du er en gull vannlilje


Du er en gull vannlilje 

om natten

skinner månen 

så skinner du

som stjerner 

på himmelen


det er en fredelig stillhet

idet du ser på månen

og månen ser på deg


ser jeg en liten smil der 

mellom de myke kinnene dine?


når smilet er ditt

hjertet mitt er ditt


Om dagen

skinner sola

så skinner dine øyne


Det må være noe der

i bunn og grunn 


fargen som jeg aldri fattet

gule, grønne eller lyse brune?

En hel verden er i dine rav øyne


hvis jeg ikke hadde vært redd

for å se rett inn i øynene dine

hadde jeg kanskje skjønt fargen


Men det er ikke enkelt 

Uten å bli merket

Nå som du vet alt

Og nå som jeg vet at


Du kommer til å hate det

om jeg ser inn i øynene dine

Fordi jeg skal komme til å miste

meg selv inn i de krystallene...


Thursday, March 14, 2024

Nice to meet you!

I've got a damn free spirit baby!

You know why I say that?

Who else can't wait to dance barefoot on the grass?

Or can't wait to roller skate in the city, at light speed?

(while almost dying lol, several times)

Who else has a set of pajamas but likes to mix the bottom and top with other sets all the time?

Who else buys a vanilla ice cream adds lemon juice and lemon zest in it and eats it?

Who else dances in the rain while getting REALLY soaked?

Who else loves to LITERALLY sit anywhere and read books? 

(there is a window 2 meters up from the ground at school and I literally sit there and read, it's so cozy XD)

Who else brings her guitar everywhere or plays guitar the second she finds one?

Who else likes to just go into the forest in summer and run?

Who else talks to the moon?

Or who else dances in her room all alone in the dark while blasting music on her headphones?

Who else loves to open her window and feel the wind in her hands?

Who else likes to imagine what the four dimensions actually look like?

Or who else talks to her imaginative friends, which are trees?

Who else likes to just randomly take a drive to the sea and watch the blueness until her eyes get hypnotized??

Who else still laughs out of nowhere while thinking about her best memories with her past bestie?

Also, who else still longs for her bestie which she had 10 years ago but now they are totally different people? (second thought, this might be relatable for many people)

Who else gets very spicy and weird ideas out of nowhere?

Who else loves to write a poem or a song over everything?

That all, is me, nice to meet you XD

(maybe this is why people won't talk to me?)

(maybe these things that make me who I really am, is keeping other people away from me?)

(WELL, THEN THEY GOT THEIR HEART IN A PRISON 'CAUSE I GOT A FREE SPIRIT BAYBE!!!)

Monday, March 11, 2024

Heart like a trash can

I have so much love in my heart

and I give it to so many wrong people

That my heart looks like a trash can 

No one likes it anymore


Everyone gossips about it

How my heart loved this boy and then this girl

I am not a person who falls in love very quickly actually

I just get attracted by people's beauty 

and wanna be friends with them actually


I am trying to understand myself

Every time I said that I was in love

I don't really think I really was

I just wanted so bad to be in love


That is, starting from today, is ending

I am putting an end to more heartbreaks

I am putting an end to being misjudged

And lastly, I will do everything to be actually happy 

this time, I won't just give my heart for free.

Friday, March 8, 2024

NonhOpe

One of the things I hate about some people is that 

When I ask them if they want to hang out or do something together

They won't say No at first, which gives me HOPE.

Then right before we meet up, they say that they are busy

This feeling is the worst of all emotions I have ever felt.

So I'll call it NonhOpe

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

from now on I let the boiling water burn my body

The boiling water is running 

Now I understand 

Why adults like it

It hurts but I like to suffer

I like that the water is so hot

that it stings 


So that I can punish myself

For doing things that I wasn't supposed to

For not being patient 

For my existence

For my appearance 

For my voice and my eyes

For not loving myself as I am

For not doing things I was supposed to do

Like being patient and listening more

or just standing quiet and going with the flow


For some reason

I can't do that

I HAVE to BE me all the time

I Just cant have superficial friends

People who i casually talk to, NO

None.

But why?


And again Why even spend time writing about it?

When I can just paint, play guitar, or read books...


I was in love, but now It hurts again...

And I know that It's my fault and my pain,

so I will deal with it as an adult

With Ignoring the truth, until it ends.

Heartbeating

I feel like days go so slow in your absence But they pass as fast as normal It feels like I am wasting them tough Every day without you is a...