Sunday, March 24, 2024
Friday, March 22, 2024
8 years ago today...
My real name's meaning in English is
"beautiful like a moon"
but it's not so great translated
in Turkish it is
"a piece from the moon, very beautiful woman"
Now, I don't really think I'm so beautiful
But I love that my name is related to the moon
Moon, the hole of light
I love talking to her
She lightens up my darkness
I tell her my darkest secrets,
What I long for and what I'm scared of...
You know what I miss?
I miss a friend of mine
I am writing as if I am talking to the moon now
I miss her so much
But I know that she doesn't
She's totally over me
She was over our friendship already in 2018
But I missed her and my normal life
Today, I got a notification that said
"8 years ago today."
I started crying, it was my friend and me
making a face mask and using carrots on our eyes
because I didn't have any cucumber at home XD
That was sooo funny, and I miss that feeling
True love and true happiness
I hope that happiness hits me like a bullet in the head again
I really miss it
It's not that I am not happy
I really am
But I see that I began to fake happiness, to make others happy too
That's really unhealthy
Wednesday, March 20, 2024
just a phase, like the moon
I changed
I am constantly changing but this time
My thoughts and my behaviors are so different
Last year, I was a WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON
I didn't drink, I was behaving better, and didn't have other health problems
(I don't drink regularly, I just tried 3 times...alright now maybe 3 times is not trying anymore)
Anyways, I don't really want to be like this?
Or do I?
NO, I KNOW
I should just think that this is normal
This is a phase and will go away
Things are new to me
everything is
so I guess I should be patient
With myself and everything
...
Tuesday, March 19, 2024
Well..
there is a friend of mine
we are not so close
I always knew her as a cool person
I always wanted to be friends with her
Now I kinda am friends with her
And some guy friends of hers
And her guy friend said that she is going through some stuff right now
I didn't know ANYTHING
I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
I DIDN'T KNOW A FUCKING THING
She has and had suicidal thoughts
SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL
She had them for years
SHE CUT HERSELF
SHE USED DRUGS TO KILL HERSELF
SHE WAS AT THE HOSPITAL LAST WEEK
I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING
I DIDN'T KNOW A FUCKING THING
my hand are shaking while writing this
i don't have an idea about how to help her
And then my guy friend says that he
HE DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
BECAUSE OF HER...
'CAUSE SHE NEEDED SOMEONE
WHO COULD TAKE CARE OF HER
I WAS LIKE "WHAAAAAAAAAT THEE-??!!"
I cried
Alot
In my car
Last night
I had a breakdown
but IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
WHAT MATTERS IS "HOW CAN I HELP HER?"
HOW?
I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE
THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANNA SOB
Monday, March 18, 2024
tHiS fUnNy LitTle fEeLiNG
Sunday, March 17, 2024
Jeg har mange grunner til å være trist, og jeg velger å bli deprimert...
Jeg har bare en romantisk sjel
Romantiserer livet, kjærlighet...
Ekte verden;... derimot vet jeg, er ikke så fint egentlig
Ting er kleint, skittent, slemt, stygt og fryktelig vanskelig
Jeg fortsatt prøver å forstå hvordan alt det fungerer
Dette fører også til at mange folk kjenner meg feil
Fordi jeg ikke er redd for å ta risk og gjøre feil
Jeg lærer fra feilene mine og så går videre
Samfunnet kommer alltid til å synes at jeg er rar
At jeg ikke passer helt inn og gjør merkelige ting
At jeg har en rar romantisk sjel og skriver faktisk dikt
At jeg tror jeg er bedre enn andre folk og at jeg får bedre karakterer enn dem
Egentlig har jeg bare vanlige karakterer
Egentlig synes jeg at jeg er verre en alle sammen
Egentlig er jeg bare ei jente som kommer fra Tyrkia
En liten dråpe i et svært hav
Egentlig; så vet jeg ikke helt hvem jeg er fordi
Jeg er ikke nordmenn, men jeg kan ikke kalle meg tyrkisk heller
Jeg er ikke en fysiker, men jeg kan ikke kalle meg uinteressert heller
Jeg er ikke redd, men jeg kan ikke si at jeg ikke frykter for det ukjente
Jeg er ikke rar, men jeg kan ikke bevise det til "de andre"
Jeg er muslim, men jeg drikker og liker både jenter og gutter
Jeg er glad i realfag, men kan ikke klare meg uten kunst
Jeg er en person, men jeg vet ikke hvordan jeg burde bli?
...
Tusenvis av spørsmål inn i hodet mitt og
Jeg skal flytte 584 km unna stedet jeg kaller hvertfall "hjem" nå!
Er ikke dette her galskap; å flytte så langt unna hvem du er
for å finne deg selv?
Nei..,
Det er egentlig helt genialt.
En blank ark for å skrive
historien din Meia.
Det du levde inntil nå var en del av din families historie
Men når du flytter, skal du skrive din egen historie
Det høres kanskje skummelt ut å ha fullstendig ansvar for deg selv
Likevel, vet jeg at du gjør dette allerede og mer enn det
Du er mer enn klar for dette..., livet!
Livet kommer til å slå deg i hodet og lære deg å være et menneske.
Dermed, skal livet lære deg hvordan du ikke burde være også,
For eksempel, å gjemme din egen skatt i ditt hode, fordi den er mer verdifull enn det du tror
Livet kommer til å hjelpe deg, jeg er sikker på det
Det eneste du må gjøre er å ikke glemme hvor du kommer fra
Du kommer ikke fra tyrkia, nei, og du kommer ikke fra norge
Altså, hvordan skal man ikke glemme noe man ikke vet?
Du vet jo det, du kjenner jo deg! Du er bare deg selv, en oljedråpe i havet
Du kommer fra deg selv, og det er derfor du er unik
Du er kanskje litt rar, og andre synes at noe er galt med deg
Men det er bare på grunn av at de ikke ser hva som skjer inn i DEG
De ser jo ikke at du har en dyp savn for en bestevenn du hadde
og at det er derfor du rulleskøyter rundt byen hver vår og hver sommer
De vet jo ikke hvorfor du går og ser på elva ved skola ofte etter timene
at du hadde blitt forlatt der av din kjæreste du virkelig elsket
De vet jo ikke hvorfor du ofte leser, for
ofte ekte mennesker ser på deg rart når du sier en hel setning.
De vet jo ikke hvorfor du sier unnskyld hele tiden
du har jo ikke lov til å gjøre noe feil imot dem, du føler deg dømt
Likevel gjør du feil, og siden du er ikke redd for feilene, sier du unnskyld
De vet jo ikke hvorfor du føler deg lei deg og nostalgisk
at du savner fortiden så veldig dypt og føler deg forrådt
De vet jo ikke hvorfor du begynner å gråte etter en dramatisk film
for du nesten døde akkurat 6 år siden mens du flyktet
du har blitt traumatisert uten å merke det selv, men du kommer over det også
Det du mest trenger nå er en hel blank side
Da kan du skrive din historie...
Du var fin på sjøen, så hoppet jeg inn...
Du er en gul vannlilje
Du blomstrer i mai.
Når vannet blir varmere hver dag
Du er en skjønnhet som flyter i stillvann
Overraskende hardfør til tross for din delikate fasade
et ganske stort smil med hvilende øyne
Du er en gull vannlilje
Du er en gull vannlilje
om natten
skinner månen
så skinner du
som stjerner
på himmelen
det er en fredelig stillhet
idet du ser på månen
og månen ser på deg
ser jeg en liten smil der
mellom de myke kinnene dine?
når smilet er ditt
hjertet mitt er ditt
Om dagen
skinner sola
så skinner dine øyne
Det må være noe der
i bunn og grunn
fargen som jeg aldri fattet
gule, grønne eller lyse brune?
En hel verden er i dine rav øyne
hvis jeg ikke hadde vært redd
for å se rett inn i øynene dine
hadde jeg kanskje skjønt fargen
Men det er ikke enkelt
Uten å bli merket
Nå som du vet alt
Og nå som jeg vet at
Du kommer til å hate det
om jeg ser inn i øynene dine
Fordi jeg skal komme til å miste
meg selv inn i de krystallene...
Thursday, March 14, 2024
Nice to meet you!
I've got a damn free spirit baby!
You know why I say that?
Who else can't wait to dance barefoot on the grass?
Or can't wait to roller skate in the city, at light speed?
(while almost dying lol, several times)
Who else has a set of pajamas but likes to mix the bottom and top with other sets all the time?
Who else buys a vanilla ice cream adds lemon juice and lemon zest in it and eats it?
Who else dances in the rain while getting REALLY soaked?
Who else loves to LITERALLY sit anywhere and read books?
(there is a window 2 meters up from the ground at school and I literally sit there and read, it's so cozy XD)
Who else brings her guitar everywhere or plays guitar the second she finds one?
Who else likes to just go into the forest in summer and run?
Who else talks to the moon?
Or who else dances in her room all alone in the dark while blasting music on her headphones?
Who else loves to open her window and feel the wind in her hands?
Who else likes to imagine what the four dimensions actually look like?
Or who else talks to her imaginative friends, which are trees?
Who else likes to just randomly take a drive to the sea and watch the blueness until her eyes get hypnotized??
Who else still laughs out of nowhere while thinking about her best memories with her past bestie?
Also, who else still longs for her bestie which she had 10 years ago but now they are totally different people? (second thought, this might be relatable for many people)
Who else gets very spicy and weird ideas out of nowhere?
Who else loves to write a poem or a song over everything?
That all, is me, nice to meet you XD
(maybe this is why people won't talk to me?)
(maybe these things that make me who I really am, is keeping other people away from me?)
(WELL, THEN THEY GOT THEIR HEART IN A PRISON 'CAUSE I GOT A FREE SPIRIT BAYBE!!!)
Monday, March 11, 2024
Heart like a trash can
I have so much love in my heart
and I give it to so many wrong people
That my heart looks like a trash can
No one likes it anymore
Everyone gossips about it
How my heart loved this boy and then this girl
I am not a person who falls in love very quickly actually
I just get attracted by people's beauty
and wanna be friends with them actually
I am trying to understand myself
Every time I said that I was in love
I don't really think I really was
I just wanted so bad to be in love
That is, starting from today, is ending
I am putting an end to more heartbreaks
I am putting an end to being misjudged
And lastly, I will do everything to be actually happy
this time, I won't just give my heart for free.
Friday, March 8, 2024
NonhOpe
One of the things I hate about some people is that
When I ask them if they want to hang out or do something together
They won't say No at first, which gives me HOPE.
Then right before we meet up, they say that they are busy
This feeling is the worst of all emotions I have ever felt.
So I'll call it NonhOpe
Wednesday, March 6, 2024
from now on I let the boiling water burn my body
The boiling water is running
Now I understand
Why adults like it
It hurts but I like to suffer
I like that the water is so hot
that it stings
So that I can punish myself
For doing things that I wasn't supposed to
For not being patient
For my existence
For my appearance
For my voice and my eyes
For not loving myself as I am
For not doing things I was supposed to do
Like being patient and listening more
or just standing quiet and going with the flow
For some reason
I can't do that
I HAVE to BE me all the time
I Just cant have superficial friends
People who i casually talk to, NO
None.
But why?
And again Why even spend time writing about it?
When I can just paint, play guitar, or read books...
I was in love, but now It hurts again...
And I know that It's my fault and my pain,
so I will deal with it as an adult
With Ignoring the truth, until it ends.
Heartbeating
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