Lemon and Sugar, sour and sweet!

It is Ramadan now. I started fasting, and I am so happy. I love Ramadan. The food taste so good when I won't eat for 12 hours XD. 

The reason for my happiness can also be the memories I have for this time of the year. Or not the time of the year, because it changes every year.

For example, when I was 8, Ramadan was in the summer. I was in Turkey and the whole country was so happy. Everyone eats together in mosques, or in their houses with their families. There was free soup in mosques...

I remember traveling to Samsun, where almost all my relatives live. I just loved the spirit of being with them and fasting. (I didn't actually fast but pretended to, 'cause my mom wouldn't let me haha) 

It was hot, and everyone got very thirsty though. This is why everyone is happy for Ramadan to be in April now. In 5 years, it will be in winter. 

I remember that we would go to the bakery with my grandfather, and buy some bread and pide. I would dance and jump while going. I miss those days. 

He would buy me some ice cream, I think I can find a specific picture of it. Because I loved a specific ice cream and he would buy that one for me every time I was there. 

It tasted like lemon and sugar, sour and sweet but I loved it. Just like how i feel about this memory now, sour and sweet. 

I wish I could buy some now...

Yeah, memories...

Some random but wise sayings from my instagram feed

One of the most important quotes I have ever heard

and I'll stick with me intill the day I die

is

"If it makes you happy, it doesn't have to make sense to anybody else..."

There are 3 simple rules in life

- if you do not go after what you want, you will never have it

- if you don't ask, the answer is always no

- if you do not step forward, then you will always be in the same place

I know these all be stories some day

And our pictures will become old photographs...

but right now

these moments are not stories

this is happening

You are alive!

The world is too noisy.

Don't listen,

Don't look,

Don't mind,

Just move forward...

I would rather be remember as the person who cared too much,

Than someone who didn't care at all...

I would rather be remembered as the person who showed too much love,

Than not enough...

Sensitivity leads also to more creativity.

So very often, the most creative people,

also have the most pain.

Which is why so many creative people escape from their pain

through all kinds of disfunctions

like addictions, so on...

So there is a real link between creativity and sensitivity and suffering

at the same time.

I'm dizzy...Serendipity

I said that there was a big probability for a broken heart.

I thought that i would be crying right now...

I thought that i would be silently grieving...

I thought that i always chose the wrong person...

I thought that i would never find someone with the same vibes...

I thought that love was abstract...

NO

It is everything,

You just have to look for it.

It is in everthing,

You just have to wait for it.

It is within you,

Even without realizing it.

Love is with you and against you,

All at the same time,

Makes me dizzy...

An empty room..

Why do i feel so down when i am flying in this crowd?

Sometimes I have feelings that doesn't have any explanation. 

i just feel it, but never have I described what it was like to feel it.

Maybe...

maybe I should try to...

right now, in this reality.

I can compare my feelings with other things, so that you can understand

Maybe, I can understand...

right now I feel empty, like a room.

silent inside, but things are happening outside of the room.

my head is a room, an empty room

....

After a while

I feel too nervous 

I wanna run

I wanna cry

I wanna laugh

all at the same time...

REALLY, I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!!!

Maybe its love,

again, i feel love

but I'm afraid it can turn on to a broken heart...

there is a big chance for a broken heart 

You are the sun.

 How can a person like loving another person so bad?

i ask this question to myself, but will I ever find an answer?

i don't think so... 

Maybe that's the magic of love...

You just feel a connection, between you and that "specific" person

It is very hard to describe as if it is the "dark matter"

I mean, we have detectors to detect dark matter, which means that we can understand where it is and what is happening with it.

thus, unfortunately, we can never see it with our bare eyes.

Love is like that

Humans can tell if "love is in the air" but never can tell "yeah, this is love". 

It is not concrete

It is abstract

That connection is just like the connection between the sun and the earth. 

Invisible, but makes the earth turn around the sun all the time.

Don't we turn around that "specific" person when we are in love? 

Drugs are no good... Again

I hate drugs...

They make you feel better when you are using them, but after...

After the effect is gone, you feel disgusting!

Unfortunately, love is absolutely like drugs!!

I felt better when I felt love again, but after...

Even if it was no romantic or erotic, it was just pure love. 

Just like the love you have as a kid.

After the effect is gone, you feel broken!

After the effect was gone I felt broken...

Again 

Drugs are undeniable...

I remember that i compared love with drugs. I am afraid to experience it again. Today I may have did what I was afraid of, falling in love...

i am still afraid, and I actually tried not to fall in love multiple times today but no, love was just unpredictable and happened without my permission. 

There was a party a little far away from my home. It actually took one hour to drive there. We went to my friend's birthday party first, and after that party, there was another "party" (alcohol included). We were there from 9 pm to 11. 30 pm, but it felt like many more hours. 

The birthday party was nice. We went laser tagging and then ate some pizza. After that, we went shopping, and then drove to the other "party" at 8 pm. It took a while for us to find the place, but we finally did it.

We started socializing and having fun. I was dancing, and there was a fireplace, it was quite lovely, to be honest. 

Suddenly i saw him. Coming towards me, with his beautiful gray eyes. He started asking names of the people, and suddenly asked my name. He remembered me, he paid much more attention to my name and its pronunciation than others' names. I can not explain exactly how it is, but i can try to compare that feeling with other things in life. 

You feel some kind of connection as if it was two magnets pulling each other and the connection is irresistible. If i could explain it in three words, it would be; electricity, happiness and shock. 

As time went I was shocked that he was talking to me, and even paying attention about what i was talking about. I paid of course attention to him too, because that is who i am, but never have i met a guy who did that in this way.

 I was fascinated.

Suddenly, the only thing i wanted to do was being with him... hugging him... Talking about random shit and actually...kissing?

I didn't feel like that for a year, and it was very weird to be back again with all those feelings. 

I saw him smoking a cigarette. I went to him and talked about the other party at we first met each other. He said that he was gonna greet me at school but he didn't remember my name. I said that I was gonna do the same but I was too shy to do it. We were silent when we were sober at school, but I didn't even try alcohol in my whole life. 

I was not drunk, right? It was actually him, talking to me! 

I hate smoking, because of my mom and some issues that i have experienced when i was little. When i said this to him, he just threw the cigarette away. I was surprised and asked why he did it. He said, "you said you hate sigarettes"... THE FEELING I GOT AT THE SECOND HE SAID THAT, HAD NO EXPLANATION...I HAD TO SPEND A LITTLE MORE TIME BEFORE I UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS HAPPENING...

I just walked around, hanging out with some other friends. Then i changed the song, i wanted to dance. I started dancing and he came, he danced with me. Like romantically dancing. I was melting inside, and outside i was looking nervous (i suppose XD). He was turning me, and taking me to the left side and the right side... he was controlling the dance, not me. For the first time in my life, I was not in control at all, it was him. And it was like a dream. 

There was a roof, over where the party was going on, so that we wouldn't freeze to death LoL, and people were climbing on the roof. He offered me to climb up.In my head I was like "wow I never met a guy who thinks just like me!!!". Because when we first came to the party place, I really wanted to climb to that roof. 

He lifted me up, and the first second i was on the roof... he hugged me... very tight and comfortably. He was adorable and i was dying inside. then he said "your jacket is very soft", and i said dumbly, "i think everyone hugged me because of that jacket today.." and then he said " sorry if i made you uncomfortable with the hug" and in my head, i was like "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, OMG YOU ARE JUST AMAZING", and I said, "no, no no no it was great, i liked it". Then we went off the roof. 

After that, we talked about deep things... His grandmother (mother's side) died 1 year ago because of cancer and she had dementia... i was shocked... my grandmother (father's side) had diabetes and she also had dementia.. she won't even remember me anymore... 

I felt the connection again, and i was afraid and amazed at the same time.

I don't quite remember what happened, but I remember that we danced one more time and he fell down and just laughed like a child... he was so cute when he was drunk<3 

Before that happened, we went to hang out with our friends and his friend called us lovers... there was a silence, I remember XD I think I got red, ahahaha but hopefully no one saw cuz it was very dark. His friend was drunk too, so he just said everything he had in mind LoL.

For me, it was obvious that he was a drug to me. Oh I loved drugs so much...

Fine on the outside...

Decided to write about my memories, because it looks like I begin to forget many of them as I grow up. I can begin with my memories of my grandmother, from my fathers side. 

I was born in Samsun, Turkey. The day I was born, January 3, 2005 as my mother says, it was snowing. All my relatives were there to see me, and my mom. My grandmother was very happy because I was her first grandchild.

After maybe 8 months after my birth, my parents decided to move to Erdek, which is a lovely tiny city by the sea. My mother did not know yet, but she got pregnant with my brother. He was born there, in Erdek. I had a really good time there, I miss it pretty much since 2013. 

It was summer break in 2009, and my parents decided that we could travel to Samsun to visit some relatives. We went to my grandmother's house. It was my first time there, as I remember at least. I loved the apartment, and I still remember it. Actually, I can put a picture of it on google maps. It's down below. It is before they moved out from there in 2018.

They lived on the first floor. The funny thing is that they did not own the house. It was my grandfather's brother's house, and as my father tell me; his uncle was not a nice person.Thats why they don't live there anymore, they moved into the house that my mother owned from her parents, that we lived when I was in samsun. Anyways, now this apartment does not look like this. Maybe i can find a different perspective in google maps.

Now its empty, and without the curtains that i loved. You see the window on the balcony, on the left. I would use that window to come in to the room from the balcony. I didn't like to use the normal balcony door, which stands on the left, as you can see XD. when we played hide and seek with my cousins i would jump to the balcony from the window and no one could find me! 

I have many memories of that balcony... One day i remember my grandmother sitting there, she had some kind of food that she was busy cooking or doing something with it (i don't quite remember, it might be green beans, or Turkish börek or maybe some meat that stinks inside and she cuts it outside) i came to her and asked if i could help. She said yes, and i sat there trying to make the food haha, but end up playing with it. i remember it being a dough, and i made a heart of it, and gave it to my grandmother. She was smiling... i remember her reading the Quran there... i would try to read it too, but it was gibberish to me HAHA, now i thought to myself i can read it...but my grandmother is not here.. she is not dead, don't get me wrong... But we just learned that she has diabetes and alzheimer... 

Now when i video chat her, she sees me and the only thing she does is smiling very wide and saying "grandmother do you have any cheese?? cheeseee!!", this is what I used to say to her when I was little. i loved cheese and salami... i still do, but because it's nostalgic and reminds me of my childhood... She won't remember anything from my teenage years, and it makes me so sad i can't explain how much...

some other memories i have with her is that i was bored and was going around the house. Then i saw a picture of a blond boy with blue eyes. He looked like my brother, just a blond version. I looked at the picture closely, there was a village house behind him and trees. My grandmother started explaining before i asked. It was my father's big brother. His name was Sinan (its my brother's name now), and he had died while my grandmother was washing some clothes in boiling water. He fell into the boiling water and died.. he was just around 3 years old. i mourned and was confused. I asked her why she didn't hold him so he would not fall. She just couldn't hold him, i don't remember what she actually said to me. But i remember a picture of the situation (i was used to creating a picture of the stories that were told to me, that's how i memorize for my exams too). In the picture, she is hanging up some clothes that she washed while some of the clothes were still in the boiler. And my uncle as playing with his football, then the football went into the boiling water. He fell into the water by mistake while trying to pick up the ball... I still mourn every time i remember this and see the picture in my mind.. I actually found a very similar picture of him on Pinterest. 

Another memory of my grandmother is that I was again bored. Walking around the house, trying to think of some things to do. I then watched a cartoon, i don't remember what it was but there was love. Then it hit me, i wanted to ask my grandmother how she met my grandfather. I asked her, and she said that it was a long and actually a sad story... I was disappointed but anyways wanted to listen.

it was the summer 1960s, and an Islamic holiday, When the children go around to the neighbors in the village and pick some candy ;P (its kinda like Halloween) my grandmother was 13 and was going around with her friends. When she came back home, there were her grandparents and her parents. They said to her that they engaged her with my grandfather. my grandfather's parents were there too... I don't know how she reacted to this, I don't remember what she said but I have a picture in my head that she obeyed her grandparents and stayed calm (her parents didn't want to do this). After 5 years, when she got 18 it was time to marry my grandfather, she said to me that she tried to run away with her mother's help. but she couldn't. Again I don't know how it happened, but I suppose she was caught by her grandparents. Anyways, then I remember her saying "but it did not end badly, as you see I have you now my little angel <3". I was just 10 years old, but I rebelled! I said that her grandparents were bad people and that if they were here I would fight them. And I actually would do it, now too... 

My grandmother experienced many awful things throughout her life. My grandfather was not educated, he smoked and played betting when he was young. He is a very nice person now, he is taking even care of my grandmother. But when he was young, he didn't care about the economic situation for his family. My dad says that they never had enough money, He would never buy the things he wanted. That's why my dad now has some kind of desire to buy the things he want, sometimes very spontaneously (even if its not logical, he buys it just because he wants that thing).

My grandmother was a strong woman, throughout this life. Now everyone have money, my dad works and my auties work and help my grandparents. Big problems are solved, and then she got weak. She have been sick, and they went to hospital. They said that diabetes and alzheimer can be caused by stress, depression, and the difficulties that she had to bottle for. Now that she doesn't need to be a soldier, it's time to show her wounds, deep inside. I can't do anything, but cry about it...

 I am missing. I miss everything. I even miss the minutes I wrote this right now. I call this kind of longing for "yearning sickness". I wonder why i am like this. I have always been like this I guess. I have been moving all my life. Changing houses, friends, places, playgrounds, relatives, schools, trees. 

i said trees. YES, they were my friends when there was no one to talk to. Well, you know when you are little; you make up things in your mind. i made up too. My imagination was scary. In my point of view all of the trees in the whole world were connected to each other. They could communicate with the help of their roots. So when i wanted to know how my friends were doing in a place that I don't visit anymore, i would ask the trees if my friends were doing well or if they were using the same path to go to the school every day. I would ask the trees if they were missing me, as i missed them. And the trees would answer me. They would say "yes, they too my darling, they miss you too".

As I grew, I realized that my friends have the access to reach me. Did they want it? Some of them did. But some of them just forgot me, and I never forgot them. This was what made me deeply blue for a long time. I was depressed because I had high expectations from my childhood friends. 

A short story of my life: i lived in turkey until i was 13 years old, then i moved to Norway in 3. April 2018. So i was in 8. grade when i came to Norway and i couldn't speak Norwegian or English at all. 

Since i couldn't talk to people for some time, i was daydreaming or talking to trees around me. I didn't like to talk with my family, they made me sick. What can i say? i was a teenager. Then i found out that i could talk to my best friend in turkey. I texted her, and said that i missed her so much. She answered me at first, but after a while, she just disappeared. I was very sad, for like four years just because of this. I mean until 2022, which is last year. 

Now as you can read I can write and speak English at a level, which is enough for me. I can speak Norwegian too, I think I am B2/C1, if you know the levels.

 I got new friends, new best friends and pals. I still care about my friends in turkey, but now I have friends from Polland, Portugal, France, England, USA, Italy, Thailand, Eritrea and maybe more that I did not mention. I look at the world from another perspective now, and I am very grateful for it!

Blizzard

I'm making plans again. I always make plans, and I have a schedule. The plan was to go to the big city. I would read a book while driving, then go to Starbucks, sit there, and write for my blog while drinking a mocca.

As John Lennon says in the beautiful boy "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Nothing went as I planned. It's both funny and irritating.

I was actually able to read a book in the car, but when we got to the city, namely Trondheim, there were many other things to do. My brother, who was going to be the referee, needed a pair of sneakers and socks. He had not come himself, of course, he had stayed at home. I couldn't go to Starbucks and get some rest. I've been dreaming of this for a year. I was going to have a romantic date alone.

It was raining blizzard, and the wind was hitting my face very hard, but since I had to reach the store outside, I was running against the blizzard even though I was wet. After going around a few stores, I finally found it. Both socks and shoes. But time had worked against me again. It passed very quickly. It was time for my father to pick me up.

I was very angry. I talked to myself on the way to the car. There was no blizzard, and there was no wind. It was as if the clouds had realized that my stress and hurry was over. It was snowing calmly. Now I was starting to get angry at the clouds. I started saying "It was roaring and blowing when I was in a hurry! Why did it stop when i just calmed down?!"

I was walking, looking at the ground. The snow. It was pure white, just perfect for making a snowman. I suddenly remembered my childhood. When I was a kid, I used to jump around with joy everywhere and start playing in the snow. There would be excitement. What has changed now? Why didn't I feel that excitement and joy? I kept walking thoughtfully.

Finally my father came. I sat down and started writing the blog that I couldn't write in Starbucks. I am currently writing. It's 9:30 p.m., and I'm going to work tomorrow. I guess I'll wake up pretty early. It would make sense to add that today is Saturday.

Now the song 'mystery of love' has started playing. A sadness inside of me. When I look out the window of the car, the snowy pine trees make me feel far from summer.

Now that I'm thinking about it, if this hadn't happened and my plans had gone exactly the way I wanted, what would have happened? The thing that adds excitement to life is when something unexpected suddenly intervenes while we are making plans. Suddenly I got a small smile on my lips.

Slow or fast, everything passes and ends, so enjoy life!

I feel very tired, fed up with life... However, I may have to keep living for a while. If i do not die. Since I am still very young, this probability is low. But time actually goes by fast. I will die sooner or later. So I need to stop feeling sad and enjoy life.

Why can't I enjoy life? I have thousands of questions that start with 'why'! A few of them are 'why am I always stressed and unhappy?', 'why can't I do something without being relaxed?', 'why am I eating myself up?', 'why am I making this world hell for myself?'. Why and why. Even the word loses its meaning when you read it too many times...

I'm probably unhappy because I overthink. Who was the happiest and stressless person in the SpongeBob series? Patrick. Because he didn't think much about what he was doing, he just took action. Sometimes when things went wrong, he would get help from characters like sandy or Squidward. Because they were characters who thought too much and could deal with problems (in very different ways).

If a person chronically experiences certain emotions that are coded in the brain in order to cope with the problems, the feeling of unhappiness may be dominant. The reason is that those people constantly focus on problems and try to find solutions. This gets tiring after a while. I swear it is. 

Yet every day is a new day, a new beginning. Don't you think it's a little silly to start every new day with sadness or grieving? i hope you agree with me.

Easy to say can be very difficult to implement. You may have lost someone close, you may have changed a country, or a country you live in may exclude or despise a community you belong to. That's when my darling, you have a very good right to be sad. Certainly. But do you always have to go on like that?

"Even if you die after two seconds in this life, everything is fine, don't let anything stop you from smiling". This was said by a boy I liked in middle school who was very nice to me. At that time, I immediately memorized it, and every time I felt sad or tired from living, I always remembered this saying. I'm sure even he doesn't remember it, but that saying took my life in a completely different direction.

Even if people ignore you, even leave you alone, or even turn things around behind your back, DO NOT STOP BEING YOU! When life goes against you, go against it, and smile as much as you can. Only then can bad people realize that they have made a mistake. Even if they don't realize it, the problem is not with you, it is with them. Don't think about it; time always passes...

In fact, time passes quickly, especially when we don't want it to pass fast. Sometimes you want time to pass, but it never passes. It is already against you!

When you look back; somehow time passed by...

We are mortals in this world. Slow or fast, everything passes and ends.

The most painful emotions, longing, unhappiness, and many other negative emotions that seem to never pass, actually pass quickly. Just because we experience them intensely, time seems to slow down.

I wish watching the snow falling outside while drinking hot chocolate, smelling the smell of earth when it rains, smiling at the smell of the cookies just baked, and smiling with the smile of your loved ones last forever. If time could just slow down, in those beautiful moments.

This is what makes life so unfair, but also worth living. Slow or fast, everything passes and ends, so enjoy life!

I am thinking, growing, and moving on

Sometimes life overwhelms me, I jump on the bus. The day begins again. Everyone looks around with sleepy eyes. I have unhappiness, maybe a longing for my home country.

But then, I look at the driver driving the bus. She does her job with joy today. Again, when I see the driver passing by another bus with another driver, and they wave at each other; I forget everything, and I don't have anything to do but smile.

I have made my dream world such a sad environment that I am now afraid to dream. Even real life may not be that bad.

I have mixed feelings. I am both happy and unhappy at the same time. I guess I'm just getting used to growing up.

In this fake world, while the people who speak the truth always get crushed, the fakest people can get applause.

Sometimes I can't stand how fake this world is. From the smallest to the largest, from atoms crashing into each other constantly, to planets whose size is difficult for the human eye to perceive, everything feels like a simulation.

Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing myself to cry. As if only in this way would I be able to get rid of that grief and sadness inside me...

I hear the sound of the ambulance. I pray every time it passes. Can requesting God for saving a life with prayer be equal to wishing to save all humanity?

Even if it is about a bad person?

A bad person or a good person. Both are human. I think it would be a much more logical move to discuss with a good person how that bad person can be healed, instead of cursing the bad one.

It should not be forgotten that; The concepts of bad and good are relative, just as time is relative. What is good for us may be bad for someone else, and what is good for someone else may be bad for us.

Maybe the bad person has become so blind because of his arrogance and ego that he starts to see the behaviors that the society around him sees as bad now as good. He doesn't understand why others look at him badly. Because he cannot see, he is blind. Blind in his eyes.

Sometimes a person can be blind from love. You know, there are blind lovers, whose eyes see no one but the person they love, or whose minds can't think of anyone but them. In fact, people see only the good sides of the person they love and ignore the bad sides. So is love bad? Maybe we shouldn't love at all...

Love

February 24th, 2023

Love is unpredictable. It is like a drug. You feel amazing while you are experiencing it, but it can make you feel guilty or feel bad somehow after that.

If there is anything i have learned in my whole life; if there is love then there is also tears. it can be either tears of joy or madness or sadness. Because love is capable of every emotion you can ever feel.

It made me do the craziest ideas i have ever had. Things i said that i would never do, or try. And love still does make me feel all mad.

Sometimes i feel like im romenticizing the thought of “being in love”. Because in real life, there are lots of things that i hate about love.

i hate that Love gives me drunk vibes.

i hate that Love makes me sober.

i hate that Love makes me do bad things sometimes.

i hate that Love makes me do good things.

i hate that Love hurts.

i hate that love heals.

And, i hate that Love is a beautiful thing while I am afraid to experience it again. Just like drugs.